And Everything Burned In Blue
by Gnattine
Summary: Karamatsu doesn't believe he should be included among his beloved brothers. Can they help change his mind?
1. The Gradual Wearing Away Of The Star

"Hello, my bruzzahs! I have returned once again!" Karamatsu posed in the doorway, eyes close, hand on his chin. There was silence, so he opened them. His brothers were all there, Todomatsu playing a game with Jyushimatsu, Ichimatsu playing with a cat (with _his_ now scratched-up sunglasses), Choromatsu reading, and Osomatsu napping on the couch. None of them acknowledged him.

He was used to it by now, and as always, he felt his smile falter, but this time let it drop completely, dropped his pose as well. His day had already been shitty, making this treatment hit him like a truck. He was tired of this. So tired of being ignored. And when they weren't ignoring him, they were showing him how much they hated him. He was sick of putting up this front. What was the point in faking a smile when no one would even see it, when no one even noticed he was there.

He sighed softly and crossed the room. He changed out of his white tank top and leather jacket, throwing on his blue sweater, grabbed his wallet, and walked back out without a word. He didn't expect he'd be coming back tonight. Maybe not the next night either. He just had to get away for a while. He couldn't handle this anymore. He just couldn't. He'd saved up a lot of money. He'd be able to stay gone for as long as he wanted, until he could mentally (emotionally) return to the most important people in his life treating him like an inconvenience at best. He didn't bother announcing his departure; no one would notice his absence anyway, unless they wanted something from him.

He passed by Chibita's, without looking at him. He might have swung by for some oden, but there were other customers there. He didn't want to get in the way. He wasn't all that hungry anyway. He could go for a drink right about now, but he just wanted to walk. He kept walking, mind blank, focused only on putting one foot in front of the other. At one point he noticed he didn't recognize the area. And the sun was setting. It hadn't been much past noon when he started walking, how long had he been out?

He stopped at a bench and pulled his pack out of his pocket, and lit a cigarette. He frowned at the sky. The crystal blue was fading, making way for sunset's lovely colours, the warm colours of the rainbow painting the dimming blue canvas in such remarkable beauty. It was truly no wonder so many people enjoyed the sunset, waiting impatiently for the mundane azure to vanish into anything else. He took drags of his cigarette as he watched the colours change, until it was a dark purple, stars lighting it, a quarter moon hanging in the sky. He smiled sadly. Purple being favoured over blue...sounds familiar, non?

He looked up and down the empty road. There was a little flower shop across the street, displaying pink and red roses, purple and yellow chrysanthemums, so many flowers in so many colours, framed by lovely green leaves. None were blue. He finished off his cigarette and walked over to the closed shop, looking in the window. Nope. None of the flowers were blue. Some looked close, but no. They were too purple.

Karamatsu chuckled, and shook his head, walking away. _I guess blue really doesn't belong, does it? _

He didn't see the small bouquet of blue Forget-Me-Nots hidden behind the rest, tucked away in the corner.


	2. Out Comes The Same Old Lazy Self

Osomatsu heard the front door open, and peeked an eye open as the bedroom door opened as well. "Hello, my bruzzahs! I have returned once again!" Karamatsu had deepened his voice on purpose, and posed painfully. Osomatsu closed his eyes again, pretending to be asleep. Why did his brother do that? His voice sounded better when he wasn't forcing it. And that stupid pose, why did he do that? He was so much cuter when he wasn't being fake.

He heard the boy rummage around the room. Surprising, since he usually would monologue quite a bit longer before giving up and pulling out his mirror. Confused about the change in behavior, the oldest peeked again, to see Karamatsu's back disappear behind the closing door.

That was...weird. He left without even saying anything. That's not something he did. Not something any of them did. Even Ichimatsu would depart with an audible 'ittekimasu'. He was concerned, but figured whatever was wrong, he'd get over it, or he'd ask him about it later (unlikely). Karamatsu was a big boy, he'd be fine. He always was. Osomatsu let himself drift off to sleep for a while. But, oh, the nightmares that plagued him…

Karamatsu, standing on a ledge, so high up he was merely a blur.

Karamatsu, laying in a bathtub filled with sickening red water.

Karamatsu, hanging from the ceiling.

Karamatsu, washed up on the shore.

Karamatsu, sleeping in late on the futon, only to never wake up, no matter how hard the eldest tried.

He woke with a start, and felt the tears streaming down his face. He immediately stood and hurried out of the house, intent on finding the second brother. Where did he often go? The bridge, the city, Chibita's, that was it, right? Osomatsu had taken to keeping tabs on where his younger brothers went, but somehow it seemed...Karamatsu had slipped from his notice.

After a few hours of searching, he returned home, praying to find his blue brother there.

He wasn't.


	3. A Violet With It's Crown Of Thorns

"Hello, my bruzzahs! I have return once again!" Ichimatsu groaned inwardly. It was so much better when Kusomatsu wasn't around. He wasn't sure which was harder, ignoring his brother, or putting up with him. Either way, he much preferred his frequent absence (he was probably just out trying to get 'Karamatsu Girls' anyway). He refused to even glance at the older boy as he entered the room, oddly silent.

Whatever, he'd rather not hear that stupid fake voice anyway. It was a welcome reprieve from that godawful droning bullshit that always spouted from the second son. He kept teasing the little orange cat in front of him with Karamatsu's shades, adoration for the creature hidden in his dark eyes. He ignored the shuffling in the closet beside him, until the cat began to ignore him, in favour of eyeing his elder brother, much to Ichimatsu's annoyance. He spared a glance at Karamatsu, only to find it linger, catching the look on the other's face. He looked...awful. And terrifyingly genuine. He was frowning, his eyes seemed devoid of any positive emotion, his shoulders slouched, and there was no sign of his signature sparkle. He looked exhausted. Wrong. Real. _Sad._

Ichimatsu couldn't help but stare silently as his usually painful, obnoxious brother left the room, the house, without a sound. With an unsettling and unwelcome emotion he could only equate with concern, he reverted his attention back to his feline companion, forcing all thoughts of Karamatsu from his mind, unsuccessfully, as concern and worry invaded, and his anxiety told him to follow his brother. He silenced the desire in favour of keeping up the act of hating the second eldest.

However, as he saw his eldest brother depart, tears still falling from whatever nightmare he had, he followed. He wasn't sure if he was the only one, but he heard Osomatsu uttering the second brother's name while tossing and turning. Of course, no one even considered attempting to soothe the eldest through whatever he was dreaming, but hearing his whispers, Ichimatsu had to hold himself back, especially after hearing the quietly muttered, "Don't jump, don't die, Karaaa…." from the eldest.

He left swiftly after Osomatsu, not mentioning where he'd be going.

He returned home hours later, much after dark, to nothing but wails and tears in his home.

Karamatsu hadn't returned.


	4. I Saw It All From My Green Sky

Even though he had read this manga several times, he was still bored enough to read it again, this time also scanning the background characters, making mental notes to see if any were shown multiple times. He heard his brother enter the room, and began to greet him, before he noticed a repeated character, completely distracting him as he checked to make sure. It was!

When he looked up again, he saw his brother changing into his casual clothes. Which was strange. As much as he seemed not to pay attention to his brothers, specifically this one, he really did. His brothers all matched every day, it was automatic after years of doing so. Today, Osomatsu was wearing his hoodie, Choromatsu himself wore his plaid shirt, same with Jyushimatsu. Ichimatsu wore his DAT shirt, and Totty wore his white shirt with the pink tie.

Since Choromatsu was first up and dressed, as usual, the rest simply followed his lead in that aspect, and completed the unspoken established outfit set. Osomatsu only wore his hoodie because he didn't have a corresponding outfit for this particular set. But for Karamatsu, of any of them, to take off his… ugh… "Perfect Fashion" when he...somewhat I guess, matched the rest, in favour of his typical hoodie? That was just weird. Wouldn't he want to impress his.. Blehhhh.. _Karamatsu Boys and Girls_? And what was up with that silence? Was he _slouching_? What the hell?!

He was so lost in his own thoughts, by the time he actually thought to voice his internal inquiries, Karamatsu had already left. But wait, he didn't even announce his departure! He didn't even give a small 'goodbye' or anything! What the hell was happening today?!

He simply sat there, staring at his manga blankly, thinking. He couldn't riddle this out. He hadn't seen his immediate older brother act this way in years. And even then it-

"Kara-!" Osomatsu shot up with a gasp, looking around the room frantically, effectively ramming Choromatsu's train of thought completely off the tracks, narrowly missing the family of kitsune meandering alongside the metaphorical rails. Ah, hit the possum though. Damn shitty eldest. Who was attempting to look casual while obviously rushing out of the house. Following behind shortly after, Ichimatsu somehow managed to come somewhat closer in his attempt at "casually" slipping out of the house. But Choromatsu, and likely the rest, still knew why he left.

Ichimatsu had been the one to see Karamtsu's face while he changed clothes, and what he saw had him worried enough to go looking for him. Choromatsu debated heading out himself, but if Karamatsu returned home, he wanted to be there. Wait, no! WHEN! Not if, when, why did he just think that?

Before he knew it, it was evening. The first, second, and fourth sons had yet to return. He was about to put on his shoes, planning to sit out on the porch to wait, before his actions and thoughts were interrupted by a small, nearly unheard whimper, but Choromatsu heard it, and made his way into the TV room quicker than he ever had. He crossed the door, panicking, and came across the youngest, clutching his phone, unrestrained cries spilling from him, as he curled into a ball.

Choromatsu approached slowly.

"Totty…?"

He didn't seem to hear.

"What is it?"

"...Karamatsu-niisan…"


	5. A Day Is Long

Oh! Oh! Karamatsu-niisan is home! Hi, Nii-san! Ah, wait, I didn't say that out loud. Oops! I meant to! But maybe I still can, maybe it hasn't been long enough that he'll forget what he said.

Wait, it's my turn! Sorry, Totty! Hmm. Rook to King 7. Check. Wait wait wait, that's backgammon. We're playing Scrabble, right? So I have to show him I rolled a 5 without talking...oh wait, that's chutes and ladders.

Oh, wait, right! Karamatsu-niisan! But the rules of Go say I have to draw it for him. No, no...I show Totty! That's who I was playing with. But wasn't I thinking about Karamatsu-niisan? Speaking of him, why is Ichimatsu-niisan looking at him like that? Almost like he's concerrrnnnnned….But that's silly! Ichimatsu-niisan makes a point to not like him all the time, except whe- OH! Still my turn! Umm… There! Connect 3… Oh, dang it, I need fewer cards first…

Wait, where'd Karamatsu-niisan go? I didn't get to welcome him home yet! Ah… He left… But! But! He didn't say goodbye! He always says goodbye whenever he leaves, in that way of his with the big stupid confusing words that make me wanna make weird faces and make myself believe he doesn't exist.

Or maybe he did say it, but I pretended he didn't so hard that I forgot? Maybe I should ask someone? Wait. Hold on. Osomatsu-niisan…

_*thinking face*_

Osomatsu-niisan just woke up from dreams about Karamatsu-niisan dying. Usually Osomatsu-niisan has perverted dreams that aren't so real-feeling. These ones were sad and seemed too real. I wish I hadn't seen these dreams.

Karamatsu-niisan has dreams about dying a lot too, but he usually doesn't feel sad in them. He feels more... Ehh…. He's okay with them, he just kinda accepts it and that's it, so I never really thought too much about them before. He didn't seem affected by them at all and always smiled the next day, after all. But Osomatsu-niisan's dreams about it are so, so bad. They make me want to not smile.

I think I'll go sit on the roof, in case I see him from up high. I just wanna see he's okay, then he can go away again. Those bad dreams got me kinda worried now, like Osomatsu-niisan and Ichimatsu-niisan are. I can see both of them from here, actually. Osomatsu-niisan is over by the fishing hole, Ichimatsu-niisan is at the bridge. Not the one at the park, though. The one that's up really high.

That's one of the places Karamatsu-niisan dies in his dreams. Sometimes Ichimatsu-niisan pushes him. Sometimes one of the rest of us do. Or all of us. Sometimes he jumps, sometimes he falls, and sometimes there's another him in his dream that pushes him and watches him fall. I don't think I like that bridge very much.

He's not there, though. Or at the fishing hole. I can see the other bridge, too, but he's not there either. I can't see everywhere from here, but from what I can see, he's not anywhere nearby.

Looks like Osomatsu-niisan is headed for the shopping district. He might find him there, I can't see because of all the tall buildings, but Karamatsu-niisan usually only goes there when wearing his _perfect fashion_, so I don't think he'll be there right now.

It's been a while, I'm starting to get more worried. Not good not good not-

TOTTY!

I heard Totty, I gotta go see what's wrong, what's wrong, what happened, Totty?

I run downstairs super fast, and find Totty crying, with Choromatsu-niisan next to him, looking at his phone.

"What is it?"

Nobody said anything for a while, then Choromatsu-niisan said "Karamatsu…"

I waited for him to talk again, my smile starting to go away, and he finished, "It seems he's…"


	6. A Broken Voice, A Mourning Song

"Hello, my bruzzahs! I have return once again!"

_Oh, my God, does he really have to make an announcement like that? A simple 'tadaima' would be much more appreciated._

Totty, along with his other brothers, gave no indication of having heard said announcement. But hearing a soft, defeated sigh was not at all what Todomatsu had expected. He figured this particular brother would have announced himself again, just calmly gone to stare at himself in the mirror, or ask if they heard him. But that sigh.

Todomatsu watched as all of his brothers observed the second born with varying levels of concern and worry. He changed out of his "cool" clothes which, considering their outfit scheme of the day, was extremely odd, out of character, and considering it was barely past lunchtime, unheard of for him.

No one spoke to Karamatsu. No one spoke at all. It pissed Totty off so much! Something was so _obviously_ bothering Karamatsu, if it were anyone else someone would've said something, so why not him? But even so, he too remained silent, just watching.

Ichimatsu, sitting in the corner, had a view of Karamatsu's face, and was openly staring at him, the look on his face one of rare concern, before he looked back to the cat he was playing with, but obviously his mind was elsewhere.

Osomatsu was pretending to sleep. He'd kept up the act the whole while until the second eldest left, then peeked at him, confused. Only for a moment though before going back to sleep.

Choromatsu was reading something; well, currently he was staring at Karamatsu, or rather where Karamatsu had been, with his near-permanent frown even more exaggerated than usual.

Jyushimatsu kept switching his attention from their game (he doesn't seem to understand how checkers works), to Karamatsu, to the game, to Ichimatsu, everywhere, really.

Once Karamatsu was gone, Todomatsu looked back to the game, no longer interested in it. He saw Osomatsu having nightmares, apparently about the second born. Todomatsu did nothing. He saw Ichimatsu follow as Osomatsu left the house in a panic, presumably to find the subject of his bad dreams. Todomatsu did nothing. He saw Jyushimatsu wordlessly abandon their game and climb to the roof, his smile smaller than usual. Todomatsu did nothing. He noticed Choromatsu descending the stairs and followed silently. He saw how he kept looking to the door worriedly. Todomatsu did nothing.

Finally, he caved. Karamatsu hadn't returned, neither had the other two, meaning they hadn't been able to find him all day. Everyone was still on edge and waiting. He pulled out his phone for the thousandth time that hour, this time opening social media apps with an actual purpose.

He started with Twitter, but copy/pasted the same message to other sites as well.

_'Hey guys, I really need help finding my brother. If you see someone who looks just like me but is wearing blue instead of pink, please take a picture and message me ASAP!'_

He set his phone aside glancing at it when people replied seeing his face, but wearing red or purple, posting again that he was looking for BLUE.

Finally, FINALLY, he started getting messages about his blue brother. It wasn't what he was hoping to hear.

Totoko reported seeing him by Chibita's where he looked 'not him' as she said, and he'd apparently completely ignored her.

Several more people posted, saying they'd seen him earlier throughout the day, the distance growing. The most recent being by a flower shop at around seven. A flower shop that was… like, 40km away? What, did he just walk non-stop for seven hours?!

And the bigger problem, it was half past ten now. The last known location they had for him was from three hours ago. Who knew how far he could've gotten since then?

Where was he going? Was he okay? Why didn't he say anything? Did something happen? Why didn't he at least get a hold of them, he clearly wouldn't make it home by bedtime. Was he even planning on coming home tonight, or...at all? Oh, Todomatsu started to feel sick.

His thoughts raced as he stared at his screen, reading over the message about the flower shop. Apparently Atsushi had seen Karamatsu and approached him, thinking it was Totty, but realized his mistake as he got closer. He'd been preparing to address Karamatsu, but heard him chuckle as he turned away from the flowers, and said just loud enough for him to hear something along the lines of " blue really doesn't belong, does it?"

He read over it again and again, not noticing he was nearly crying, until he whimpered, drawing the attention of Choromatsu, who'd been on his way out. "Totty?"

Todomatsu couldn't bring himself to say anything, just let out sobs as he curled in on himself tighter.

"What is it?"

"...Karamatsu-nii-san…" he managed, handing his phone over. Choromatsu scrolled through the feed, taking in the information, his worried frown growing deeper, absently rubbing the younger's back comfortingly as he cried.

The ears of the fifth born picked up his only younger brother's cries and zipped downstairs to his side.

"What is it?"

After a pause, Choromatsu answered. "Karamatsu… It seems he's… running away."

Cue gross sobs from the youngest, and stifled crying from the other two. That's how the next two brothers found them.


	7. A Bitter Mask

Karamatsu had never intended for his personality to become a mask. In all honesty, when he developed this personality, it was gradual and genuine. His brothers started becoming individuals in high school. That change was also gradual. They were still extremely close though. Karamatsu had decided to join the drama club, getting a flyer from one of the current members, saying he looked like he'd enjoy it. It looked like fun, being able to immerse yourself into another world, become another person, and with his steadily increasing depression, perhaps he could slip into another persona if needed. Be anyone he wanted besides himself, then once he felt better, be himself again. Yes, that could be a good way to cope! Ichimatsu and Osomatsu had also been diagnosed with depression, but Karamatsu could only wonder how they coped with it. Perhaps he'd have to inquire.

His love for guitar came from one of his roles. His character played guitar, and though it was mostly just a prop since his character only played a short and simple song, he decided to learn it, so he would look more natural and comfortable holding it. He found he greatly enjoyed it, and purchased one for himself soon after.

English, that was an accident. Ah, well, perhaps accident isn't the right word. He'd been doing his English homework when Osomatsu asked him a question. He'd been writing the sentence 'I have five brothers.', and responded "It's in the closet, bruzzah," instead of 'Aniki' as he'd intended. After a pause to take in his words they laughed, and Karamatsu picked up the habit of referring to all of them as 'bruzzah', and eventually more foreign words were thrown in, all of the brothers finding the quirk amusing.

He was asked to help write a script for a play the drama club was doing. They'd decided to come up with a plot together and write and perform it, have something that they all worked together to make, for fun, bonding, and to test out other skills. The play was essentially set in Shakespearean time, and featured a well-learned, charming, and confident man, one who enchants any maiden he meets. Turns out he's gay, and the guy he wants is not. That's how the story begins. Lots more came after, but as they decided who would write it, Karamatsu became enamoured with the protagonist. He himself wasn't gay (probably lol), but of course wasn't bothered by it. He jumped at the chance to be able to bring this character to life, create his words, his personality, everything. He wrote out the entire script, a dictionary and thesaurus beside him to ensure the most poetic and vivid vocabulary for his muse. Everyone loved it, and even ended up keeping the first draft he'd shown them. He got the lead role, and practiced constantly, eventually this vocabulary found its way into his own. He often threw in dramatic poses as well, as his character had. After so much time rehearsing in this mindset, it did begin to merge into his own.

No one really noticed the changes, as it happened over a long period of time, but by graduation, his brothers claimed they were embarrassed to be seen with him. They stopped even trying to work out his dramatic lines, and so they would stop listening. At first he didn't really notice, but one day, mid-monologue, Ichimatsu interrupted to say "Fuck, could you just shut the hell up already, Kusomatsu?" All the brothers looked up at that, some hadn't even really noticed Karamatsu had been talking, having become so accustomed to blocking him out. But that was the first time any had used that word. That name. Kusomatsu. Of course they all thought it was both clever and fitting, which was when things started to go even more downhill.

Osomatsu would invite him out, mostly because he knew Karamatsu had money, while he himself didn't, spending it all frivolously. He was one of the least bothered by his brother's personality, how he'd say and do "painful" things. He wasn't annoyed or pissed off, just listened to the ramblings, sometimes tuning him out when it became too much, when he started to not know the words the blue brother was saying.

All in all, he did enjoy Karamatsu's company, but since he tended to stop listening once the words fell beyond his vocabulary range, gave the impression he didn't care what Karamatsu had to say; which wasn't entirely true, he just couldn't figure out what in the heckie his little brother was trying to say. Occasionally, he'd pretend to be in physical pain just to mess with him, but he didn't take notice of how this affected his immediate younger brother.

Karamatsu took this all as an indication of his brother actually disliking his company, and that Osomatsu was only using him for his money (not too far off base tbh), so he made sure to have enough money on hand at any point in time to ensure his Aniki would want to spend time with him. He was willing to buy the time if need be, just to feel as if his big brother loved him.

Ichimatsu was the first to show true resentment towards the second eldest. He wouldn't pay any attention to him unless it was practically abusing him. Verbally, physically, emotionally, any way he could. Karamatsu had no idea when this began to happen. Bit by bit, Ichimatsu seemed to become annoyed with how his brother acted, talked, dressed, until eventually he seemed to loathe his entire being.

He attempted to regain Ichimatsu's love through prose, poetic nonsense that he hoped could portray his devotion to his dearest siblings. However, these were always answered with pain, whether via hurtful words or hurtful actions. He continued to try, thinking perhaps he hadn't been poetic enough, despite the fear he always felt before speaking in said brother's presence, whilst bracing for the impact of blows that were surely to come.

Ichimatsu. Ahh, how he despised Karamatsu. Kusomatsu. This _thing_ his brother had created and pretended was himself. Yeah fucking right. Everyone knew it was bullshit, which is why he fucking hated it. But the biggest reason he hated this facade is that he knew how it started. He and Jyushimatsu had both seen it, but had abandoned him immediately.

Choromatsu almost seemed to have his back. But as Karamatsu learned, it was only when the other thought it would benefit him in looking like the responsible brother. He was just like the others. Indifferent at best towards Karamatsu. By this point, Karamatsu could hardly blame him.

Next he noticed was Todomatsu, who would only go with him to go fishing. Knowing Karamatsu only used letters as bait, he knew he had a much higher chance of catching fish than this brother, and would always feel victorious at being the only one who caught anything at the fishing hole, being praised by his family for doing a good job catching dinner for them.

In all reality, Totty didn't particularly care about his second eldest brother. With this particular brother… todo no tsumari*, he could take him or leave him, but most often leave him. He didn't hate Karamatsu! At least, no more than he did his other siblings, at least while they were in public.

Though Karamatsu would never admit it, Jyushimatsu was the worst. Karamatsu knew he'd been there and had seen the incident. Knew he'd done nothing to help. Nothing to save or protect him from it. Simply let it happen. Yet he feigned ignorance. After something like that, no one could expect Karamatsu to be the same. After that, he had amped up certain parts of his personality; whether to keep people from questioning him, or to make people ask him, no one knew.

Karamatsu had seen it. He was surrounded in an alley after school. He saw Jyushimatsu peeking around the corner. Watched him as he ran, and didn't come back.

After he'd been punched, kicked, and cut with pocket knives, hit with pipes, crowbars, who even knew what else, all while being mocked for being weak, pathetic, too submissive to try to stand up to them, he gave up.

Of course, he was actually nearly matched even with Osomatsu when it came to fighting, he honestly hated violence. It rarely solved anything. In this situation, he was outnumbered, outmatched. He figured after the large group had dealt their blows enough to be satisfied to leave him bleeding, bruised, and broken in that alley, he could gather his remaining strength to get home and appear fine, patch himself up in the bathroom, and not worry any of his siblings.

They didn't stop. They kept punching, kicking, cutting, until he was unconscious from the pain.

As he'd dress for the day, he'd notice they had harmed him only in places his clothes would cover. Not a single blow had landed on his face, hands, forearms. He wouldn't understand why at first. But he'd vaguely recall what they'd said. Something about running home and crying to mommy or having onii-chan solve his problems. It was a sort of test. To see if he would hide the damage and suck it up, or go crying to someone. He'd know it was a psychological game they were playing with him: Prove Us Right. He'd have no choice but to accept being a player. And he'd be determined to win.

Four hours after the incident, when Karamatsu dragged himself home, and Jyushimatsu asked why he'd been gone so long, he'd brought up his character, used it as a cover; "Ah, yes, my apologies for my late arrival, my dear bruzzah. I was simply admiring Mother Nature, the way she easily slides day to night, painting the sky in the most brilliant shades-"

"WE FUCKING GET IT, GOD," Ichimatsu had shouted, and as tears pricked Karamatsu's eyes, his mask slipping, about to confess what had actually happened (albeit omitting Jyushimatsu's appearance) and ask for help, he added, "Oh, now you're gonna be a crybaby? Fucking pathetic…" No one spoke up to defend him.

His true self...he had a bigger vocabulary than most, a penchant for elaborate descriptions, and poses that made his bright clothes shine even more; but, God, he was so weak, pathetic, a crybaby. At that moment, Karamatsu knew. He could only ever survive as a character. Lie, exaggerate, redirect, hide, pretend. Himself, but with the parts people hated magnified until it hurt. His coping mechanism, but never dropping the selected persona, never returning to who he was. After all, he'd rather be hated for what he isn't than for what he is.

He forced back the tears and smirked, spinning and posing, throwing on sunglasses (he didn't own sunglasses, where did they even come from..?), and deepened his voice, "Apologies my darling bruzzah! Rest assured, your Nii-san is fine! Merely tears to show how overjoyed I am to know you feel comfortable enough around me to express yourself freely!"

And the mask was made.


	8. Your Silence Is That Of A Star

Skipping down the road, ah, what a beautiful me. Did I mean day? Nope! It's a nice day, but obviously cannot possibly compare to me~

Hmm...Something feel strange...It's pissing me off, what is it.

Oh! It-It's been at least, like, ten minutes since I was last complimented! Hmph! Well, that's easy to remedy. Now, let's see… Ah, Karamatsu-kun!

He may be stupid and creepy and painful, but he dishes out enough praises to last me days. Even though they barely make sense and I usually punch him before he's done, but eh. Why not. I'm feeling benevolent today. Maybe I'll just tell him to shut up when it's too much cringe.

"Karamatsu-kuuuuun!~" I sing-song out in my naturally cute voice, awaiting his flamboyant response.

That, uh, isn't happening? I open my eyes to see him still walking away. I've almost caught up once he's passing Chibita's, and call out to him again. He barely glances up, but keeps walking.

It was brief, but I managed to see his face. Was that really Karamatsu-kun? He's never looked like that before. He look kinda sad, or maybe frustrated? Or, like...defeated? I've known these NEETS for years but I've never seen him look like that. It was unsettling.

...

I don't call for him again.


	9. I Love You Still Among These Cold Things

It wasn't cold out. It was a nice day. Yet Ichimatsu could feel himself shaking. He wasn't crying, no. But he just had this feeling twisting his insides and chilling his veins. He'd visited nearly everywhere Karamatsu frequented, even places he never or rarely went to, avoiding one place in particular for now, occasionally spotting Osomatsu frantically searching as well.

How did Ichimatsu know of all these spots? Well, for one thing, he preferred knowing the locations his brothers liked to go when they went out. A trait they all shared, actually. After all, coming upon Totty's workplace hadn't really been coincidental. They all knew he'd been going there a lot, going at the same time that day had been subconsciously planned.

Karamatsu, in particular, he kept special tabs on in order to avoid him. This gave him much better knowledge of said brother's possible whereabouts than anyone else. And yet, he was having no luck finding him. There was one more place, of course, but. It made him nervous thinking about finding him there.

He pushed himself to go anyway, to the bridge. Not the bridge in the park that was frequented by his elder brother more often, so, the one that would be a good way to...well, to kill yourself. It was up high enough, low water below, and plenty of rocks. Pretty low chance for survival, to be frank. Karamatsu still visited this bridge from time to time, though, as it did give a pretty good view of the sky for sunsets, sunrises, or stargazing. At least, he hoped that's what he'd come here for.

He wasn't sure if he was more hoping the other would be here or wouldn't. On one hand, he'd finally find the bastard, threaten to shove him off for making him search the city for him, but still just drag him home to safety instead. On the other, it would raise questions and concerns over why he was here, and Ichimatsu wasn't exactly looking forward to that.

He sighed in both relief and disappointment upon discovering the bridge void of anyone. He swallowed and inched to the edge, breathing deeply before peeking over the edge. Ah, nothing there. _Thank God._

Although, that means he'd run out of places to check. He spend another couple hours checking back over places he'd already checked, still finding nothing. The twisting in his gut still hadn't let up. If anything it had coiled tighter. Perhaps he was just hungry. He couldn't be that worried about his shitty older brother, right?

What more could he do at this point anyway? He'd looked everywhere he could possibly think of, but no dice. All he could do was head home, even somehow knowing Karamatsu wasn't there.

Well, he was right. He arrived home at the same time as Osomatsu, to the sounds of crying. Instant panic shot through them both and they raced inside, demanding answers.

Choromatsu forced himself to calm down, and explained the situation. Karamatsu was acting odd, they'd all noticed, even Totoko had noticed. The reports of people seeing Karamatsu walking, further and further away, ignoring the world around him, and Atsushi's account of him mentioning blue doesn't belong.

Did he truly believe he didn't belong with them? That...that fucking IDIOT! Of course he belonged! They wouldn't be complete without all six! Even Ichimatsu, unburnable trash that he was, knew he also belong with these other shitty losers. Does Karamatsu not realize this?

God that pissed Ichimatsu off as angry tears burned his eyes. He stormed upstairs, scowling, but as he closed the door behind him, dropped it, lip trembling, and he rushed to the roof.

No, no, his big brother, his dear big brother, he didn't want to be with them anymore, and Ichimatsu felt regret and shame fill his heart and spill from his eyes. He took it too far, of course he did. He never should've treated Karamatsu that way. He never did anything wrong. It was Ichimatsu's fault.

All those years ago, with that gang, he and Jyushimatsu had been out to take care of the strays, and had been passing an alley that rarely had cats, ready to simply pass by, before they looked in and saw their blue brother, taking a beating, just fucking taking it. For some reason, the guy insisted on being a pacifist, even while he was being bullied. His only exceptions were his brothers; mess with his brothers and he wouldn't hold back.

Jyushimatsu, knowing this, started to go to the fight, get involved, and force Karamatsu to fight to protect him. Ichimatsu panicked, he couldn't let his younger brother just walk into that. Even if they both went in, they couldn't fight like Karamatsu could. They wouldn't be able to handle it, especially since Karamatsu was already so beat up. They couldn't win, and it would crush Karamatsu to know he couldn't protect his brothers if they got beat up, too.

In his own mind, it made sense, he didn't really have time to think too hard on it. He urged Jyushimatsu to continue home, telling him their brother would be fine. With a final glance at the scene, Jyushimatsu ran to follow after Ichimatsu.

In retrospect, telling Jyushimatsu to pretend they hadn't seen in order to protect the elder's pride had been a very, very stupid move. They could've rushed home to get their other brothers. Adding Osomatsu into the mix alone would double their odds of success. But they remained silent.

When Karamatsu returned hours later, Jyushimatsu continued to pretend he hadn't seen. The look Karamatsu gave him made it clear he knew Jyushimatsu had seen. Ichimatsu felt shame. He'd abandoned his own brother, completely, and pretended to be ignorant, even now, he didn't even try to help him, and here Karamatsu was, playing along as if nothing had happened.

Suddenly he was furious. _Say something!_ Whether he was mentally screaming at himself or Karamatsu, he didn't know. As the elder continued rambling, Ichimatsu made a choice. One he'd eventually regret. _Hate me. I deserve it. C'mon...Kusomatsu...HATE ME!_

He let the venom shoot out at the other, feeling the pang in his heart at the tears that appeared, but kept pushing.

And as time went on, Karamatsu's resolve strengthened, he wouldn't let that damn mask slip! No matter what Ichimatsu did to urge him to drop it, defend himself, hurt Ichimatsu like he should, just _something_, he wouldn't. By the time Ichimatsu realized everything he did only hardened the mask, it was already too late. This was his big brother now, and he hated it.

But now? He just wanted his brother back, to make up for the years, or to be hated. Anything, please, Karamatsu-niisan...


	10. Laughter Is The Language Of The Soul

Everyone was so sad the next morning. Ichimatsu-niisan hadn't come down from the roof since he'd gotten back from his search. Totty was only sleeping because he was up all night crying. Choromatsu-niisan told Kaa-san and Tou-san, and they left for the police station. Osomatsu-niisan stayed home. I guess he thought he had to. I get why, as eldest he wants to look after us all. We all thought Karamatsu-niisan could take care of himself! He always seemed like it, after all. Ah, except when…

W-well anyway, Osomatsu-niisan was making himself stress, coming up 2 short on his frequent head counts, going through the whole house as if he'd somehow appear there. And it's always been my job to make everyone happy and smiley and hopeful, plus Karamatsu-niisan loves us way too much to leave us forever.

So where to start? Totty was still sleeping soundly and dreamlessly, I shouldn't wake him. Ah. Only two options. My smile faltered at the thought, but I had to continue!

I decided I should try Ichimatsu-niisan first, since I hadn't seen how he was doing yet. Even though I climbed up to the roof super careful quiet, he still heard me comin' a mile away. He always does!

Of course, he had the usual look on his face, but more. Y'kno? So we sat there for a few minutes, him hunched over with his face hidden behind his knees, me with my biggest and brightest smile on. Surely, it'd have an effect on him, it always did! Eventually, even a little, I knew he just had to get even a little happier. Eventually. Everything would be fine!

We sat there for a while longer, but nothing changed. New tactic! I sat up on my knees beside him, and he turned towards me. I squished his cheeks and said in a funny voice, "Nii-san wooks so gwumpy today. I know! Let's go to the park! I can wear my doggie outfit and we can go for a walk! C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!"

I tried to pick him up, but he growled at me. Actually _growled_. At me. I backed up a bit and forced out a laugh.

"That was kinda scary, Nii-san! Haha, okay, baseball instead? Yakyuu!"

"SHUT UP!"

I froze, my smile not wavering, but only because I forced it not to.

"But you've been up here aaallllllll night! Arentcha bored? Hah, I am! Let's go have fun!~"

"...Jyushimatsu."

"Yes, Nii-san?"

"Fuck. Off."

"..."

"Now."

"...Ah... Hah, okay! Bye, Nii-san!"

...So, Ichimatsu-niisan wanted to stay on the roof. No matter, that's okay, I could make him happy later! So next, I went to find Osomatsu-niisan. He hated being all serious, so making him smile should be easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Locating Osomatsu-niisan was easy. He was still pacing around the whole house, as if that would help. Oh well! If that's what he wanted to do…

I hopped next to him and started pacing with him, doing a perfect immitation of him, predicting his every move. He kinda ignored me at first, then turned to me, which I mirrored in sync with him, and we both said in his voice, "What, Jyushimatsu, what do you want?"

I broke character and put on my big smile again with a laugh, "Ne, Osomatsu-niisan! You should come to the park with me! Ahh I'm so super bored, let's go have fun! We could go to Pachinko, the horse races, go steal oden from Chibita, ooh let's visit Dekapan, maybe he has a cool new experiment we can do, or how about see-"

"If you do not shut the fuck up right now I swear to God and Lucifer I will not be able to help back from kicking your ass and no that is not an invitation for fisticuffs. Do you not care that he's gone? That he ran away? Even Ichimatsu is worried and all you care about is boredom? Fuck off!"

By the end, he was crying really hard, not even looking at me. My smile was forced so wide it hurt. I couldn't find my voice. If I tried to talk anyhow, I knew all that would come out would be the sobs I was trapping in my throat. When I didn't say anything he looked up, and I didn't have time to hide the tears.

He stopped looking angry, and pulled me into a hug.

"I know, Nii-san. He… I just… Everyone's sad a-and scared but, but it's my job, to-to make everyone smile and laugh and I can't, I can't make anyone smile! Seeing everyone like this, and Karamatsu-niisan's gone, and I can't d-do anything…"

We sank down and he pet my hair, whispering "Yosh, yosh, Jyushimatsu. I'm sorry, I am so sorry, please smile for me, c'mon please!"

Through my tears, I shared a big smile with him. Totty must've heard the commotion and joined in the hug-n-smile pile, and Ichimatsu-niisan was nearby, allowing a tiny smile.


	11. Touch The Fire Of Instantaneous Blue

The door slid open, slowly, as if the new presence didn't want to bring attention to themself. Which, obviously, got our attention. No one did that unless they had, or were going to, do something wrong. Five heads lifted, five sets of eyes landed on the-

Wait. Five. But. No one had left yet today. Surely we'd all been there. If someone were gone we would've noticed.

A quick scan of the room. Ichimatsu. Totty. Jyushimatsu. Choromatsu. Me. Wasn't that everyone? But only five. So who…

Oh.

Oh, fuck…

Karamatsu kept his eyes down, pretending to be invisible, avoiding the possibility of eye contact. He slid the door shut just as silent and slow. He was covered in casts, bandages, he was a mess. He hobbled into the room and attempted to sit at the table. Shifting his crutch and trying at lean a hand on the table to assist in his descent, his good(?) knee suddenly gave out, causing him to fall directly onto his injured arm.

We all winced at the small, pitiful cry that escaped him. He whimpered as he righted himself and tried to hold back tears. He gave an embarrassed glance around, apparently hoping we hadn't noticed his fall, or maybe noticed him at all.

The moment his eyes lifted, ours averted. I wish I could say it was to spare his pride but in reality, none of us wanted to acknowledge the situation.

We all knew how durable the second brother was, how forgiving. He could take a hit, many hits, with no complaint, and would forgive anything done or said to him without you even needing to apologize.

He was kidnapped. We figured it wouldn't be a big deal. He'd annoy the kidnappers so badly, they'd consider sending him back to be payment enough. Then we saw it was Chibita, and we all knew they were pretty good friends. Was this seriously a prank? Was he that desperate for attention? We were pissed. Even Jyushimatsu. We opened the window and threw out random stuff, hardly noticing what we grabbed, and slammed the window shut without a second glance out. Teach him to prank us for attention. Plus, he'd be just fine by morning, he always was. He could apologize to us then.

We didn't notice. He wasn't there the next morning, the whole day, we didn't notice. Last night, this morning, we never noticed. Now, now, we noticed.

And the guilt was un-_fucking_ couldn't bear to look at the results of our actions. The selfish bastards we are, would rather pretend he was fine, or not even there, than attempt to help him when he so clearly needed it. Maybe if we didn't pay attention to this guilt, this whole problem, it would go away.

Karamatsu finally finished situating himself, and I sneaked a glance at him. He took a moment to catch his breath, before reaching onto the table. After finding nothing, he froze, and glanced up at the table. Anxiety crossed his features as his eyes traveled to his shelf, the top shelf, to his mirror, which was sitting in its usual spot. After his whole struggle to sit down, he'd have to get back up, cross the room, reach up to his shelf, get his mirror, then get back to the table while holding the mirror, and struggle to sit back down again.

That or alert his brothers to his presence, and thus, the situation. He swallowed hard, looking at his hands as if weighing his options, or maybe assessing his injuries, brows furrowed more than usual.

We all saw. We all knew what he wanted, we all knew he needed help. We all did nothing. Eventually, a quiet cough, a small voice, full of apprehension.

"Brothers? I...truly do hate to inconvenience any of you, but if any of you could do me the favour of retrieving my mirror from my shelf for me, I would be extremely grateful to you."

A very uncomfortable silence followed. The rest of us shared a telepathic conversation, excluding Karamatsu from it, telling each other to get it. None of us wanted to be the first to acknowledge anything. Apparently, our silence was answer enough for him.

"Heh. Ah, nevermind, my brothers. Sorry to have bothered you."

Shame washed over all of us. We still didn't move. But it became too much for Todomatsu.

"Hm? What was that, Nii-san? Oh! Alright," he came to the aid of his childhood partner, getting up from the couch and reaching for the mirror on the shelf with some difficulty.

Unfortunately, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. He wasn't used to the stretch like Karamatsu was. As he fumbled we could all only watch with wide eyes and held breaths as it fell, colliding with the floor, shattering audibly. We stared at the glass, scattered away from the empty plastic of its former residence.

Silence.

Deafening silence.

Slowly he turned around, face painted in guilt he couldn't seem to hide. Not that it mattered, as Karamatsu's gaze was locked on his beloved mirror, face blank.

Choromatsu got up and helped gather the pieces, disposing of them, the second eldest's eyes unseeing, still directed where the mirror was. Someone cleared their throat, snapping him back to reality, and as if slipping on a mask, his expression transformed into a relaxed, forgiving smile.

"Fret not, dearest Totty. It was only a mirror...as easily forgotten as it is fragile...I'm just glad the shards didn't injure anyone, my sincerest apologies. But I very much appreciate your offered help, brother."

He's a good actor. A great actor. Had he not hesitated in his lines, it would've been a flawless performance. The right inflections, words, expressions. But we all knew, he was very upset. Not at Todomatsu himself, of course, just upset that his precious mirror was gone. He'd treasured it since our first year of high school. It wasn't particularly special, but he'd still loved it.

Totty could only nod and sit. With nothing to do now, Karamatsu just sat there. Well, I guess he didn't have anywhere else to go. The roof was obviously a no-go. The living room or outside world would be too difficult because of the stairs, plus the struggle of standing again. We were already in the bedroom, so he couldn't get away there.

Ichimatsu, master of knowing when to abscond, stood, muttered "cats," and left. Cue domino effect. Totty suddenly had a friend he had to go meet. Jyushimatsu had **yakyuu!** Choromatsu had a, um, an idol concert, he should be getting to. Cuz it just started now. At, um… 11 in the morning…

Just me and Karamatsu. Oh, the temptation to run away was so real. But some semblance of big brother instinct overpowered it, somehow. Faking a yawn, I moved the table and rolled out the futon, and grinned at my immediate younger brother.

"C'mon, Karamachuuu! You know your Nii-chan doesn't like to nap all alone!"

He looked over his bandages, his crutch and cast, then up at me with a small, regretful smile.

"Ah, I do apologize, Aniki, however I do not thin-"

"If you won't do it yourself, I'm gonna have to make you!~" I threw aside the covers and bent down to lift him while ignoring any protests, being careful with his battered body, then settling him in his spot gently, tucking in next to him; but considering how I move when I sleep, not too closely.

I pretended not to hear the quiet 'thank you'. Because I did not deserve it.


	12. It Was My Destiny To Love & Say Goodbye

Karamatsu was really starting to feel the burn in his legs. Walking for hours and hours on end is rather taxing on one's body, after all. Perhaps he shouldn't have walked such a long way. It'd take him a whole day just to get back home. He wondered if anyone noticed his absence. Unlikely. He could take a bus or train or cab, he could easily afford it after all. But…

Did he even want to go home? He should at least let them know where he was, but he also kind of didn't want to talk to them. Ah, it would hurt if he called and found out they really hadn't even noticed he was gone. He wasn't entirely sure he could cope with that.

But how could he possibly stay gone? True, he was often mistreated by his brothers, but that didn't mean they didn't love him, did…. Did it?

Well. He still loved them. Despite everything, he would always love them above all else.

And so...his own feelings on this subject were secondary at best. He had to consider his family. If they wanted him to return home, he should. If they wanted him to stay away, he should. If they wanted him to k.. Ah, let's not think about that.

Perhaps he should go back and see how the rest would react: relief at his return, or disgust at his presence. Honestly, he was already preparing for the latter. To the point he was debating...if he went home and felt the hatred his entire family had reserve especially for him, would he really be able to survive it? Could he continue to exist, even away from them, another country even, with the knowledge that they really, truly wanted him gone?

Oh, it made him almost sick just thinking about it.

He just didn't know what to do!

Well, perhaps he should pro/con this whole thing. Surely there had to have been times his brothers had shown their love towards him, right?

Like when Osomatsu had won pretty big at Pachinko, he invited Karamatsu to accompany him to an amusement park, just the two of them! Ah, they went on so many rides, ate all the junk food they could, and didn't even end up getting kicked out! Even went to a photo booth to have pictures to remember all the fun they had that day.

Ah...But at the end of the day, Osomatsu ended up boarding the train without him. They'd spent the whole day together and yet his aniki somehow still forgot him. He lost the photos too…

Well, there was Choromatsu, too! Like that time he invited him to go to a Nyaa-chan concert, they had a pretty good time that day. The music sucked and he didn't know any of the words, but just spending time with his immediate younger brother, being included in something he loved, made him so happy.

Ah. Until his friends showed up and he didn't need Karamatsu there anymore and sent him home on the spot…

Moving on, Totty! His childhood partner. The youngest was surely the most likely to show he loved Karamatsu, right? They used to be damn near inseparable, after all. They'd go fishing together quite often, even all these years after the brothers became individuals. And one time, Todomatsu actually invited him to go shopping! While Karamatsu's style and Totty's style were extremely different, Karamatsu was somehow able to find incredible deals anywhere. How else could a jobless NEET buy all the clothes he could? He once bought over ¥20,000 worth of Perfect Fashion for ¥4,000.

He'd managed to saved Todomatsu 40% that day, and he was so happy he bought his older brother lunch, and they had a wonderful time together, he even got Karamatsu a new Totty-Approved outfit. That was such a good day.

Unless you include the part when Atsushi-san showed up with some friends, Totty panicked and dumped his drink on Karamatsu, stuttered something about him cleaning up in the bathroom, and shoved him into the bathroom so hard, his shoulder got dislocated. By the time he found the youngest again, he was riding shotgun in Atsushi-san's car, driving away.

Jyushimatsu ended up helping to set it when he got annoyed with hearing Karamatsu whimpering on the roof trying to reset it himself and simply shoved him off the roof to shut him up. Upon landing, his shoulder popped back in, painfully, but the fall also resulted in a concussion.

But then the fifth born felt bad and dragged him out for ice cream, so that was nice! That means he loves him, right? They used Karamatsu's money, but they got to hang out. That's...That's good, right? They even wrote a new song together while they were out!

Ichimatsu, however…

To be entirely honest, they last legitimately good memory he has between himself and this particular brother was back in high school. Even then it was eating lunch together in silence.

Whereas the most recent bad memory was yesterday morning. He's got some nasty-looking cuts littering his upper body from the cats. All he'd even done was pass by the alley on his way home from the bridge. He should've been wearing his jacket instead of carrying it. That would've spared him some pain.

That wasn't a very bad one though, in all honesty. He remembers last year, He'd been on his way downstair with a bag of snacks in hand, and before he could get on step down, he felt pressure on the front of his left ankle. Before he could actually acknowledge it, he felt a set of hands on his back, shoving him forward forcefully.

He felt intense pain shoot through his leg upon landing at the bottom, as well as bruises already forming at every point of impact. He opened his eyes, choking back tears of pain, to see Ichimatsu coming down the last few steps. His face was blank as ever, and he looked down at the older, hands in his pocket. He crouched down slowly, maintaining eye contact, until he was inches away.

His eyes narrowed, and he muttered out a single, monotone word. "Oops."

He reached out a hand and plucked the bag off the floor, standing back up, and walking away without looking back.

He'd broken his leg that day.

Come to think of it, nearly every memory he has with Ichimatsu would be classified as "bad".

Heh. Well, it shouldn't be surprising. Everyone already knew Ichimatsu hated him. He's not even sure what he did to deserve that. Did he deserve that?

He sifts through various other memories. The time Ichimatsu and Totty tricked him into thinking a girl was interested in him, but they'd paid her to pretend, distract him while they slipped unpurchased merchandise into his pocket, and make it look like he was trying to steal it. He wasn't allowed back at that mall, which was their goal, as that's where he bought nearly all of his perfect fashion.

But then there was the time Choromatsu and Jyushimatsu invited him out for a day just wandering town and enjoying each others' company, ending the day with some baseball that Choromatsu couldn't keep up with. Not a single insult had been thrown at him that day. He hadn't been ignored, interrupted, forced to pay, or made to feel like an outsider. It was such a perfect day.

….Speaking of being forced to pay, he can remember more than a handful of times in the recent past that they'd all ditched him at whatever bar or restaurant they were at, leaving him with the check, not knowing or caring if he even had enough money to pay. He's not sure how on earth he kept falling for that.

Perhaps he just wanted to believe in them. They hadn't always been like that. In fact, back in high school, even after that incident, all five of them attended every play he was in, and some even complimented his performance afterwards. Even his parents attended.

Ah. His parents. You'd think they'd be the only people he should know with absolute certainty love him. He used to, honestly. But this past year on their birthday, each of the brothers got an immensely thoughtful gift from their parents. All except him. He still remembers the looks on everyone's face as they opened their gifts, exclaiming their gratitude.

Karamatsu cleaned up the wrapping paper.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized how few genuinely good memories he had in the past few years. Maybe he shouldn't go back. Maybe he should...

Lost in his thoughts, he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned around.


	13. And How Empty You Went Through The World

_"Ne, Nii-san, do you have drama club today? There's a new coffee place I wanted to check out. Wanna come?"_

_"I'd love to, Todomatsu!" Karamatsu smiled at him._

_He didn't use his recently created character voice this time and talked like a normal, modern person. That's good. He'd been doing that voice and speech a lot more often lately, only getting worse as he got further on the script he was writing. Sometimes it was funny, amusing, but occasionally he'd do it when the situation was too serious for it. Actually, it was getting kind of annoying._

_This outing might not be so bad if he lays off being so… ah, how would someone describe him? Eh, whatever. In all honesty, there was one particular reason he'd invited this person specifically._

_"You wouldn't mind paying, right, Karamatsu-niisan?"_

_"Eh? Oh. Of course not, bruzzah! It would be a pleasure to treat you to-"_

_"Thanks, Nii-san!"_

_Karamatsu just grinned and started flicking and fussing with his fringe. Oh, God, is that going to be a new weird character quirk of his? Well, could be worse, Todomatsu supposed._

_Todomatsu was telling Karamatsu some of the latest gossip around school as they walked to the new coffee place. Strange, though. Todomatsu couldn't quite recall how they got here. Weren't they just at lunch at school?_

_Whatever._

_"-so what else could they have been doing in the closet, y'kno? Ah, his girlfriend is gonna flip shit when I tell her!"_

_"Hmm. I do agree that the poor damsel should be informed of the possibility of her lover's infidelity, however I should point out the fact that you seem to be enjoying their misfortune. Furthermore, I do not think it is morally right to gossip about other people's personal matters. Is it wise to try stirring up excessive drama? Will it not weigh on your conscience? Mayhaps a more-"_

_"Yeah sure thing. But then, he actually thought I'd believe he just 'thought it was the bathroo-"_

_"Todomatsu-kun!"_

_The two brothers turned towards the voice, seeing a group of Todomatsu's school friends. 'Friends' being used loosely. They were more just stepping stones to higher popularity._

_"Oh, hey, guys! What's up?" Todomatsu took a step and a half away from his brother._

_"We're headed to that new Sutabaa place. Wanna come?" The others smiled expectantly. Todomatsu was always one who loved hanging out with people, what reason would he possibly have to turn them down?_

_Before Todomatsu could speak, Karamatsu jumped in. "Wow, wow, how serendipitous! The two of us were just en route to said establishment ourselves!"_

_Silence._

_The group was staring at the elder with distaste, judging him. Todomatsu felt his face flush, humiliated by his older brother._

_The leader of the group cleared their throat, glaring pointedly at Karamatsu, "HE is not invited."_

_The rest murmerred amongst themselves, insults and harsh comments about the second son, not even caring if he heard._

_"C'mon, Todomatsu, let's go. Come with us."_

_Todomatsu turned to his brother, opening his mouth to tell him to go home, he'd be going with his friends instead, but hesitated. Karamatsu had a schooled expression on his face, like he knew fully well what choice his little brother would make, and conveying it was fine, just waiting for him to say the word._

_"I…"_

_He suddenly felt a knot forming in his stomach, churning. He wanted so badly to ditch his brother, go with these guys and raise his social status. Going with him would serve to damage it, for sure. But he knew the choice he had to make. He had to go with his brother. He couldn't ignore the feeling that if he didn't, something bad would happen._

_"Sorry, guys, but I want to go with my brother. Maybe next time!~"_

_Suddenly, the world shifted. Everything went blurry, and when it came back into focus, the group was gone._

_"Ah, non, non, Totty. That is not how it happened."_

_Todomatsu whirled around to face Karamatsu, who had a fake grin pasted onto his face, tutting and shaking his head._

_"T-Totty..? Not how… What are you-"_

_"Although I must confess, I do greatly appreciate that you wish you could go back and change the course of the unfortunate past."_

_"..."_

_Dafuq? What the hell was he on about? What was going on?_

_"Shall we see how events truly transpired, bruzzah?" Without waiting for an answer, he gestured behind Todomatsu, and the world blurred again._

_It came back into focus to show him standing beside his brother, talking to the group._

_"C'mon, Todomatsu, let's go. Come with us."_

Totty _watched as Todomatsu, without hesitation, said, "That's a great idea! You don't mind, right, Nii-san? And since you already said you'd pay, just give me your wallet, 'kay?" He said with his cat-like smile._

_Hurt flashed across Karamatsu's features, but only for an instant, before being replaced by a faked oblivious smile. With a dramatic flourish, he handed over his wallet, saying, "But of course, darling bruzzah, anything for you!"_

_Todomatsu snatched the wallet and walked off with the group without another word, nor a glance back._

Totty_ stared after himself, feeling sick, before turning his attention back to Karamatsu. Karamatsu turned and headed the other way and Todomatsu realized he was about to see firsthand what had happened next._

"Please, don't make me watch this!"

_"So, you don't like seeing your brother get beat up unless you're the one doing it?" His voice was void of emotion; it was unsettling. "Totty. Watch."_

Todomatsu_ raised his gaze and watched as Karamatsu walked, staring blankly at the road. He wasn't paying attention, and so he didn't notice the small group of men approaching. He only noticed when one of them shoved him harshly into the alley he was passing._

_They held him against the wall, demanding his wallet, threatening that if he didn't hand over all the money he had, he'd be forced to pay in blood and bruises._ Todomatsu_ felt his eyes sting, flinching with every blow his brother received. Karamatsu had no money, because Todomatsu had taken his wallet. His brother was beaten, badly, and it was all Todomatsu's fault. If he'd just decided not to ditch him, or not to use him for his money, he wouldn't have been hurt. To_do_m_a_ts_u was a horrible brother.

_With tears filling his vision, he didn't notice just when the world around him became fuzzy._

Todomatsu shot up, blinking away the tears and trying to calm his breathing. He had tried to forget that incident ever happened. He never had apologized. He'd actually passive-aggressively told Karamatsu it had been his own fault. _'Why didn't you fight back?' 'How did you not see them coming?' 'Why didn't you have any money on you, idiot?'_, etc.

God, Totty was the worst.

He was pulled from his thoughts by noises downstairs. He hurried down to find Osomatsu and Jyushimatsu, cuddling, crying, and smiling. Picking up on the situation, Totty couldn't help but to join, appreciating Ichimatsu's tiny smile.

He sat cuddled up next to Osomatsu, thinking back to his dream, and to a time when he wouldn't have even thought to consider choosing anyone over one of his brothers, particularly this brother. When had that happened? What had changed so drastically?

Karamatsu had always been so kind, ever since they were young. He had the potential to be extremely popular, and he actually had been for a while. Until he fell in fucking love with himself, that is. He spoke more words than needed, to the point that people just tuned him out. Nothing he said had any substance anyway, he was just wasting air. He put more effort into his outfits and appearance than interpersonal relationships. His partner in crime had become this… ugh. This painful piece of shit! Even Totty, supposed 'dry monster', had more interest in things besides his looks and social status. Karamatsu had just become so empty.

But looking back, because of that dream, he had to realize that wasn't true at all. His brother simply wanted the best for him, wanted him to be happy even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness. Looking into his eyes, he could see it. The emotion behind them was...melancholy. He was pretending to be daft and clueless, but he wasn't.

Todomatsu supposed he should have noticed much sooner, but...he just didn't want to. It was easier to ignore it.

He hoped to God it wasn't too late to make things better.


	14. It Was Beautiful To Live When You Lived!

His parents were talking to the police officers, Choromatsu was asked to wait outside the office. He was counting in his head repeatedly, tapping his finger absently. One, two, three, four, over and over, while his mind was somewhere else.

His immediate older brother...though he never really treated him as such, had he? Not that the older ever really complained. Too timid. He didn't like confrontation, and he always just wanted his brothers to be happy. He put everyone else above himself, to the point that Choromatsu wasn't even sure Karamatsu remembered to put himself on that list.

Which was a very bad thing because...well, as horrible as it sounded, if he didn't take care of himself, who would? He lived with five selfish parasites, each one focused on themself first, even Choromatsu himself, as much as he hated to admit it. All five of them were terrible people. Of course, Karamatsu was shitty too, but usually only when in the hivemind.

He tried to think back, when was the last time he and Karamatsu had spent time together, just the two of them? It was...right! That Nyaa-chan concert! Karamatsu had waited in line with him, let him go on and on about the idol, and even though he didn't know the songs he seemed to have fun! Huh...That day was all about Choromatsu, wasn't it. He made Karamatsu stand in line for that long to attend a concert he didn't actually care about, just to make Choromatsu happy…

Oh... Ah fuck. He totally forgot, he sent Karamatsu home as soon as he saw his friends there. He could try to lie to himself and say it was because he didn't want to make Karamatsu sit through the concert since he wasn't interested in it but in reality, he just didn't want his brother there. The only reason he'd even invited him was because he was the least bad choice of the brothers and he didn't want to go alone. Ah hell. He was a really shitty brother, huh?

And now, his brother was missing. Ran away from home. Who knew where he was, what he was doing, when he'd be back. But he could guess the reason he left. Five reasons, actually. How long had Karamatsu been feeling like this. Actually, how was he feeling? Choromatsu couldn't be sure. Disappointed? Angry? Sad? Certainly not good, that's for sure. Why did the guy always act like everything was fine? Why was he such a good actor?

Acting. That's when the changes became more apparent. The divide between them all grew, when the people closest to them (Totoko, Chibita, and such) could start to tell them apart by looking at them. But their personalities, that was a huge change. Of course it started small, one brother perhaps being able to run faster than another, or for a longer amount of time; one showing more of an understanding for a certain subject for others; joining different clubs or however they spent their time after school; etc.

For example, Jyushimatsu was scheduled for three physical education classes interspersed throughout the day in order to regulate his energy levels. They tried putting him on medication for his ADHD, but the effects of that wore off after about three hours, due to his inhuman metabolism. Well, to be completely honest, some days people doubted he was human, and those days became more frequent as time went on.

If you wanted to find Ichimatsu, the best place to find him was behind the school, in nearby alleyways, anywhere cats liked to congregate. After being diagnosed with depression, he had been put on a couple dozen different medications so far, and none had any actually positive effect whatsoever, until he got to Marplan, which helped his symptoms, but the side effects were still apparent. Some of his visible differences were messy hair and narrowed eyes, since he was always so damn exhausted. Aside from that, he seemed to give off a rather dark aura, and preferred not to talk to anyone.

Todomatsu had somehow learned how to curve his mouth into an adorable kitty-like smile, and it was truly endearing...to anyone who didn't know him. Once he realized that in order to be on top in the world, you had to look out for number one, he abandoned his brothers without a second thought, and the manipulative monster somehow convinced the entire student body that he was sweet and adorable and innocent, and a lot of people wanted to be friends with him. He studied his classmates as if it was the most important class he had, making sure to remember everything they told him to make it seem as if he cared. Meanwhile he payed absolutely no heed to his brothers.

Choromatsu himself had gotten it into his head that if he wanted to be set for life with a life partner of whatever gender (he didn't know what his favourite food was, fuck if he knew who he was gonna marry), a great paying and satisfying job, and everything he could ever hope for, all he needed to do was get good grades in high school. Because knowing that Belarus has a GPD of 47.43 billion , and that the capitals of the Baltic States are Tallinn (Estonia), Riga (Latvia), and Vilnius (Lithuania), will get you soooooooo fucking far ahead in life when all you can really see yourself doing is scanning documents into the system for other people to figure out. So if anyone saw one of the six wearing fake-ass "prescription" glasses and reading "textbooks", it would be Choromatsu.

Osomatsu was the one who made sure that every single day, to every single class, he was exactly 59 seconds late to class, so that the teachers couldn't actually discipline him, but they would be so fucking annoyed. He would also constantly get into fights, but the way it happened was unconventional. If you tried to randomly fight him, he or Karamatsu would knock you out in seconds, breaking traditional fighting rules. You would have to actually set up a time and place for the fight if you wanted it to be even remotely fair. That in itself deterred many people from trying to fight any of them. Oh, and may the good Lord help you if you accidentally or on purpose caused injury to any of the younger four (save for Jyushimatsu because he could shatter your spine on accident), you'd have the two eldest out for your blood. Anyone could tell who the two eldest were. The only way to differentiate those two at first, was that if you fought Osomatsu, you'd get your ass kicked. If you fought Karamatsu, he wouldn't fight back.

Karamatsu didn't come into his own until the rest had. He joined the drama club and holy fuck did that change him. He wouldn't shut the fuck up, he didn't make sense, he got good grades but in writing classes the teachers wouldn't even read his assignment because he would always write upwards of 20 pages, even if they were assigned half a page! He was the number one student in their English class, and no matter how hard Choromatsu tried, he couldn't surpass him. He had heard him practicing his English in private, and he could pronounce it fucking perfectly. He made it sound like he'd been speaking it his whole life! Around other people, he kept his accent, but Choromatsu knew the truth of it.

Things got infinitely worse when the drama club picked him to write the script to the play they made up. They picked him on Friday. He stayed awake the entire weekend next to a dictionary, thesaurus, and the previous scripts to Othello, Much Ado About Nothing, Hamlet, and All's Well That Ends Well by his side for reference. ALL WEEKEND he worked on it. He would've forgotten to eat if Choromatsu hadn't reminded him, same goes for going to the bathroom. He had the entire hour and a half play written, including blocking and set suggestions, costume recommendations, and optional lines that the actors could choose from, by the end of the week.

He was basically obsessed. He started constantly practicing the moment the theatre club chose him for the lead, it was as if he couldn't differentiate between himself and his character. Suddenly, asking him a yes or no question would result in a two minute monologue. If the other stayed that long. So it became tradition to ignore him.

His thoughts were interrupted by Matsuyo and Matsuzou leaving the office, faces scrunched, ignoring the apologies offered to them. Choromatsu knew they didn't have good news, and followed them back to the car. As they got buckled in, Matsuyo scowled, and spat out as gently as possible, "They refuse to look into it. Because it hasn't been more than 48 hours. They don't care. They even said since he's of legal age, he can't be considered a runaway, so even if they find him they can't do much."

Choromatsu's head swam. What if the last time he saw his brother was the last time he saw his brother? The last thing they all had done was ignore him completely and entirely. God, they were shitty. What could they do? They couldn't exactly comb the whole damn country for him! So… So they would just have to wait. Hope. Beg whatever higher power to bring him back home so they could work things ou…. No. No, that's not what would happen.

What would happen is, Karamatsu would come home. The rest would start bitching him out, probably not stopping until he'd sob out an apology, then go back to normal. Ignoring him. Choromatsu didn't want that. He wanted Karamatsu to feel safe and happy with them. But how can you get five shitlings to do a full 180 and start treating the sixth as a real person deserving of love and respect, rather than a maid or a doormat? He didn't even know where to begin.

So, he stopped thinking about it. That part could wait. The police refused to help find his big brother, so they'd have to focus on finding him themselves.


	15. Let Us Forget Those Who Cannot Love Us

I was aware the moment I saw him that this Matsuno-san was not my- er. Um. Was not Jyushimatsu-kun. However, I could not quite understand what any of them could possibly be doing so far out here. From what Jyushimatsu-kun told me, none of them had jobs, and all stuck together constantly. So why on earth would one of them be so far from home all alone?

I approached this Matsuno-san, and tried to get his attention, "Ah, excuse me, Matsuno-san?" He appeared to be distracted, his eyebrows were furrowed and he looked deep in thought. I reached out and paused. Perhaps I shouldn't interrupt? But something seemed to be bothering him pretty badly. I took a breath and tapped his shoulder.

He turned to face me with a blank expression, staring at me for a moment, before he showed recognition in his eyes. "Homura?" He seemed rather surprised to see me, though I was surprised to see him as well.

"Yes, hello Matsuno-san. May I ask which brother you might be?"

"Sure, I'm Karamatsu. The second born."

Ah, Karamatsu-san. Let's see...He's the one who uses big words that are hard to understand, wears flashy clothes, and likes to sing with Jyushimatsu-kun. I would have expected him to introduce himself with much more...flair? Perhaps something truly is wrong.

"A pleasure to meet you, Karamatsu-san. I don't mean to pry but, what brings you here, so far away from your home? Is something wrong? You seem down."

His face went blank again, before he looked away. "I, uh. I didn't exactly intend to end up as far away as it would appear I have. I simply began walking and lost myself in my thoughts. It is truly astounding how easy it is to become so lost in a head so empty," he froze for a moment and looked at me in slight panic, "That, ah haha, it's a joke. Because my name, y'kno? It's uh, from karappo so. Empty. Heh…"

"...Karamatsu-san, I was on my way to a lovely cafe nearby, would you like to come with me?" It didn't seem he was about to open up and be honest at the moment, but hopefully talking for a while would help, and make him feel better.

"Hmm? Oh, o-of course! It would be an honour, chérie! Please, lead the way!"

He threw on a pair of sunglasses and gave a finger gun, and I saw literal sparkles around him. I honestly thought Jyushimatsu-kun had been exaggerating.

I just smiled and began walking, and he remained silent as he walked beside me.

We arrived at the cafe shortly after, and took our seats. We gave our orders, and while I offered to pay since I'd invited him (and I knew he was a NEET), he vehemently refused, assuring me that he had enough money with him.

As we waited, I began the conversation.

"So, you say you walked all the way here? You must be exhausted, how long were you walking for?"

He shrugged, "A few hours, I guess. Started around noon yesterday."

"And you were up all night walking?"

"Well, sort of. I did take breaks every once in a while once it got dark. I'm unfamiliar with the area, after all. Perhaps it would have been wise to stay in one place till sunrise. Alas, too late to do so now, non?"

He seemed to slip into various persona for some reason, as if he couldn't decide how to act. And I could tell it was acting, like he was looking for the right 'character' to be, but also seemed too tired or maybe distracted to give it his all.

"Hmm. What made you decide to start walking in the first place?" I noticed his hesitation and added, "please, Karamatsu-san, you can be honest. No need for pretenses, you can speak freely. I won't judge you or tell anyone anything. It will remain between us. Sometimes talking things through with another person can sort things out more easily."

He thought about that a moment, before he sighed in defeat, let his shoulder slump, and suddenly looked even more tired than he had.

"I was so tired...so sick of it."

I waited for him to continue.

"I...yesterday was not a good day. I had helped my mother with breakfast, and when my brothers came to eat, I was still cleaning up. They'd finished everything by the time I sat at the table. No big deal, I guess.

"When we went to get dressed, my favourite clothes were missing. I looked all over for them and found them in the trash. Luckily they were all that was in the trash so they were fine to wear. I tried to just put on a smile and tell myself that just because the morning hadn't started the best didn't mean the rest of the day had to follow suit.

"I went to the bridge I usually go to, and tried to speak to one of my Karamatsu Girls, but before I spoke a word, she began telling me in rather harsh detail everything that was wrong with my appearance. She barely paused to breathe. She started taking guesses at my personality, and she really didn't pull any punches. I was almost in tears, and she laughed at that. I hadn't noticed till she started walking away that a crowd had gathered and people were all either laughing at me, pretending they didn't hear, or muttering agreement to their friends. So I put on my sunglasses and forced my smile back on again, and left the bridge.

"I was going to wander around, see if I'd bump into any of my bruzzahs, but it was getting a bit warm, so I took off my jacket. Just my luck that I passed by an alley that had cats in it. See, one of my bruzzahs is friends with nearly every cat in the area and has somehow managed to train them all to target me. Break my things, scare me off the roof, and attack me. Heh. The lovely creatures hate me nearly as much as my br… ah. Anyway.

"I got scratched up quite a bit, but I told myself things could still improve. As it turns out, I was incorrect. As I walked, people continued to laugh at me, mutter insults as they passed. One man actually spat at me. I decided I should head home. It was around lunchtime, after all. Though, I realized the food would likely be gone by the time I arrived. I was correct with that.

"I still had hope for the day, so I went upstairs and greeted my bruzzahs, but...they ignored me. As if I were invisible, as if I didn't even exist. And I just. I gave up. I stopped pretending; I broke character. I changed clothes and started walking. Thinking. And eventually I ended up here.

"When you approached me I had been wondering if...well, if I should even return home at all. What would be the point? Surely they'd prefer I didn't come back. I try to tell myself they love me but...I feel like I'm lying to myself."

I felt my heart breaking as he told me all of this. As glad as I was that he told me, let it all out, it was just so… sad.

Well, he opened up to me, now it's my turn.

"Karamatsu-san? Thank you, for opening up to me. I am not going to try to convince you of things that I can't possibly know, or try to argue against or downplay any hardships you're facing. But I would like to give you something to think about.

"You say you're not sure if they love you, right? I'd like to say I believe at least Jyushimatsu-kun does, but that's not my place to say for sure.

"I'm assuming he told you a bit about me. How we met…" Karamatsu nodded. "Well, the reason I had gone there, had decided to do that, was because I felt I had no other choice. I... Had been in a relationship. With a man who liked to see me hurt. We'd been together for so long. In the beginning, he'd seemed so perfect, and I loved him deeply. I always thought he loved me too. Over the years, he started to change. He would get angry about stupid, little things, accuse me of things with no evidence, eventually he would get physical, he left plenty of bruises. But he'd still tell me he loved me.

"The thing that made me want to die, he bullied me into participating in a...a certain kind of video. I agreed...it was actually published and distributed. And some people started recognizing me. I hated it, the names they would call me, the names he would call me. I had begun to hate myself years ago, but that...I couldn't handle it. I could only see one way out. So I went to that cliff, and just before I could jump, I saw Jyushimatsu-kun. I stopped, and just sat there. He was very impressive with his swinging. But then he started to drown and I just had to save him.

"When he actually woke up and we talked, he seemed so happy, and he made me smile. We spent time together, and he made me want to live again. He made me feel loved. He even gave me his wristband to cover my...Ah, my scars. But when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I just...I remembered my boyfriend back home. How he treated me compared to how Jyushimatsu-kun did. I was scared. I thought, what if Jyushimatsu-kun ends up being just like _him_?

"So I ran. But when he came for me at the station, I realized he wasn't, he wouldn't turn out like him at all. And I cried. I'd allowed myself to be abused for so many years, I'd nearly killed myself. And somehow, I'd met an angel. I had let myself be miserable for so long, and I ran away from the chance to be happy because of unwarranted doubt. So I went home, packed my things, and left him.

"He was furious, but I stood my ground, I finally stood up to him. He was shocked. At first he screamed that I'd come crawling back, but when I didn't he tried to apologize and begged me to come back. It took weeks for him to give up. I moved back in with my parents, and I've been going to therapy since then.

"I need to learn to be happy on my own. Once I feel I'm ready, I hope to go see Jyushimatsu-kun again. Of course, I don't expect him to wait for me, that would be selfish. But if he happens to accept me, well...I am in love with him.

"Karamatsu-san, I cannot say for sure if your family loves you or not. I doubt they hate you, but again, not my place to say. However…it isn't necessarily yours either. Perhaps you should talk to them, it might help? Only they can know how they feel about you."

A long pause followed, as he just stared at me.

"Homura-san, you truly are a very strong woman. I admire you."

It was hard for me to admit all of that, and I was so grateful he didn't try to pity me.

Of course at that moment, my alarm went off on my phone, reminding me of my appointment with my therapist. I frowned at it and turned it off. "I'm very sorry, Karamatsu-san, but I have somewhere to be. Thank you for talking with me about all of this. And, ah. Please don't tell Jyushimatsu-kun anything, alright? I want to wait until I'm ready."

"Of course, chérie, I shan't breathe a word. I very much appreciate your lending an ear, and feeling you could tell me about your past. You're remarkable. Ah, but I won't keep you. I pray you enjoy your day."

"You as well!" I waved as I took my coffee and left.

Ah, Karamatsu-san. I know Jyushimatsu-kun loves him so very much, I hope Karamatsu-kun can see that someday soon. Though from the sounds of it, things like what happened yesterday weren't infrequent for him. It made me wonder just what he goes through on an average day.

I hope things turn out alright for him.


	16. No One Will Retrieve My Lost Heart

Totty was still constantly refreshing his social media pages, flipping between apps while his anxiety grew with every refresh. No one had seen his brother in far too long for his comfort. The police were no goddamn help, and at this point, neither were his online "friends". He was very well aware that with each tweet and post and update, he was losing more and more followers. He did not care.

He especially didn't care after they started throwing shade. He scrolled through his updates, blocking everyone who was not only unhelpful, but also accusing him of lying.

_ kawaiitotty rn't u both in ur 20s? Y r u so worried?_

_ kawaiitotty srsly totty we never even knew you had a brother and now suddenly you have a twin #usomatsu_

_ kawaiitotty Oh, WHATEVER! Even if you DO have a brother and he DID leave, you're totally just using this to get pity follows and boost your own status. FAKE BITCH. #usomatsu_

_ kawaiitottyI BELIEVE YOU, TOTTY!_

_ kawaiitotty who tf are you trying to kid, you just filled in your eyebrows and wore blue_

_ kawaiitotty this bs ur pullin to gain followers is makin u lose em, dumbass #usomatsu_

_ kawaiitotty I'll keep an eye out for him, Totty. I'll try driving around in the direction I saw him headed._

_if only kawaiitotty would go missing #amiright #usomatsu_

Alright. He could handle the bullying. The accusations, the blocks, the new #usomatsu tag that was directed at him. But at the moment they were just drowning out any useful information he could find. He even nearly blocked Atsushi-kun on accident while blocking the bullshit.

_LOOK, unfollow me if you want, ignore me if you want, all i care about is finding my brother! If you don't have helpful info, FUCK OFF!_

_ atsukun that would be really helpful, thank you so much!_

He'd always made it a point to not swear in his posts. It'd take away from the cute innocent look he fashioned. But he could not be fucking bothered to give a shit right now. All the hate he was getting was setting him even more on edge. Heartless dry monster that he may be, the hate was affecting him, of course it was, he'd been on the verge of tears for hours now, holding back because now was not the damn time to pity himself for ruining his social status. He just wanted his favourite nii-san back!

Todomatsu set his phone down and rubbed his stinging eyes. He could usually handle staring at a screen for hours, but apparently today he couldn't. Fuck. Maybe he should go get something to eat. He glanced at his phone as another notification went off, but ignored it for the time being. He needed a break.

So, the police weren't going to be any help. Social media was also apparently not going to help. Realistically, Karamatsu was too far away for them to go searching for him. He could be staying in one place, further away, maybe took transportation, could even be on his way back home! There were just too many variables. They had no way to narrow down their search radius, at least not until they got new information.

Todomatsu was absentmindedly making cup noodles, brows furrowed deep in thought, when he realized his vision was blurry. With a frustrated grunt, he blinked away the tears gathering up in his eyes. He had to remind himself, his brother had only been gone a day, it wasn't hopeless, there just hadn't been enough time for them to find him yet.

_It's your fault he left in the first place. You know that, right?_

AS HE WAS SAYING. Not enough time had passed yet to warrant the amount of worry Todomatsu was experiencing.

_He left because of you. Aren't you just the best partner ever, __**Tottyyyy~**_

IF they just waited patiently, they'd hear something. They'd get an update. A good one, for sure!

_Or someone will find his corpse and ask you to identify it. I know you're preparing yourself for that._

…

_You have no retort, do you. Cuz you know all of that is true, heartless m̜̟̻̥̮̅̀̈̋͘ó̵̧͖̖̞̀͆̒̀͋͜͠ẗ̸̡͉̪͔̭́̽͊̄͗̿̕͘̚h͍̪̺̟̥̼͍̖̐̈́̓̄̅̋̊ḛ̸̡̡̺͈͈̜͉̇͌̀̐̕͘ŗ͓̹̺̣̲̍͗̓̑͌̈̓ͅf̶̸̢͈͖͚͕͙͖̪̥̜͔͇͞͞u̧̕͟͟҉̭̰͈̝͉̬͎̠ ̷̧͟҉̭̝̰̟͖̣̪̠ç͙̱͕͚̱̫͈̣̞̰̱̞̮͎̲̖̯͜k̷̷̡̗̥͚͓̜͘er̢̧̛͚͎͔͈͓͡_

Totty let out a scream, digging his nails into his scalp.

"Totty! What happened?" Osomatsu called out as he ran to where he heard his youngest brother scream. He skidded on the wooden floor with his socks, crashing off-screen in a way that may have been funny under other circumstances.

Totty just shook his head and sobbed, no longer holding back. Being in the presence of his eldest brother put Todomatsu into baby brother mode. He caved in.

"I can't find him! No one believes me! I've been losing followers left and right, people are saying I'm only lying and that Karamatsu-niisan doesn't even exist! Even if people who don't follow me see my tweets they'll all think I'm lying! If everyone says I'm lying we're never gonna find him! What do I do? What should I do?!"

He could feel himself hyperventilating, his voice switched to a natural whine, he was sweating and sobbing, forcing words out between harsh breaths.

"Shh, Totty, listen, listen. Here, breathe with me. I'll slow down as we go. Ready?"

Osomatsu was counting in his head by increasing duration, easing Todomatsu into a regular breathing pattern. His panic eventually subsided, and the two fell asleep against the wall, Osomatsu holding Totty to him, and Totty clinging to his eldest brother, leaving the cup noodles abandoned on the counter.


	17. They Offered To Burn Me

He would admit. It was wrong of him and his brothers to run away without paying in full. Like, they paid off part of it, but. Not nearly enough. Were he on his own, Karamatsu wouldn't have even visited Chibita without the proper means to pay. But hive mind mentality is a powerful thing.

However, despite the petrifying terror and panic he was experiencing, the thought popped up somewhere in his mind, that perhaps Chibita was going a tad bit overboard.

He barely registered what Chibita was saying as he tried to clear his mind. Okay. Fuck. What do you see? What do you feel? What to you smell? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you knowbelieve?

Well. He felt uncomfortable, due to the ropes he appeared to be restrained with. He also felt something chilly nipping at his toes, which he believed to be ocean water, since that was all he could see surrounding him; aside from his apparent captor, of course. He could smell the salt water that he was just told would claim him, unless his brothers saved him.

_Close off, Karamatsu. You know you cannot handle this, not right now. Switch to a different persona. Joking?... Ah. Apparently not… Confident? Your brothers will help you. Enough of them like you more than dislike you that hivemind should work in your favour, right?_

_…r-right?_

Fuck. Well, at least the hot food that was being shot directly into his mouth tasted wonderful. However the pieces that hit him in the face were fuckiNg HOt!

As soon as Chibita relented, he deemed it best to stay quiet. After all, if things went wrong, he could very likely die, or at least could develop both PTSD and severe hydrophobia.

He listened in on the phone conversations, just praying either Todomatsu or Choromatsu answered. Preferably Choromatsu. Totty would likely find a way to make it worse for Karamatsu, but better for Totty himself.

Oh, Osomatsu? This early he probably won't- ah yupp, see, he's gone. Who would answer next? He watched Chibita redial and held his breath, until he heard Jyushimatsu answer. He nearly cried for joy, especially when he heard Choromatsu take over, and even (sorta) defend him to the rest of their brothers, while electing to pretend he wasn't aware that they very clearly couldn't care less. When he heard his Mommy enter the room, his heart swelled with hope that th…

Ahh….

They forgot about him.

All of them.

He'd lost the feeling in both hands by now, plus most of his right leg, and was starting to shiver from the breeze.

His mind was even worse off. So many things flashed through his mind. Bad memories resurfacing, he had to shut doen beforr iygotworseshutdownshutsoneshiutdonw-

Empty.

He needed to be Empty.

The hurt was too much. Shut down. That was all he could do now.

It was possible he could deal with this in segments, perhaps brother to brother until he's dealt with his overwhelming emotions concerning all five. But he couldn't even attempt yet. He had a façade to maintain.

Being at this place with Chibita suddenly treating him so kindly... He got the intention behind his… friend?'s actions. But pity doesn't always feel too good. He didn't want this. He wanted his brothers to realize this may have been serious. He wanted his brothers to come save him. And if not, dear _God_, he wanted to die!

He appreciated Chibita trying to lighten the mood, but it was not helping. He was still busy trying to force himself to believe, maybe it was due to Chibita's acting. Though Choromatsu had seemed convinced...until they got the pears. And he was pretty much the only person Chibita talked to… So the idea it was Chibita's acting was...unlikely.

Go home? Really? No, it wouldn't be awkward, Chibita, it would _shatter his world_. No matter how his brothers would react to his return, there was no good outcome!

He tried so hard to not acknowledge the truth that was just shoved down his throat like the shards of his shattered heart, but of course, due to his silence, he set Chibita off, who spelled it out perfectly.

"How was I supposed to know that, when I kidnapped you, _your family wouldn't care AT ALL?!_"

He broke.

There it was. Right in front of him. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. They didn't care. T͚̰͍̦̺h̹̻e͙y͎̰̲̯ ͍̬͖̗ḓ̸̗͇̘id̲n̤̫'̨̹̟̠t̷̮̠ c̬̝͚͔̹ͅa̢̘̤̝̱͓r̮͎̩͠e̖͇͕̖̰̻.̠̘̹͇ ̨T̸̴̹̭̗̣͇̥̳͢h̸̡̹̥ͅe̶̙͉̦y̤̬̝̭̼̼ͅͅ ͍̙̘̞̪̟̭̦d̢̬̼̩̹̥̘͔͜i̭͎̗̺͓͙̦ḏ̘͍ṇ̨̹͉̩̪̪͢͟ͅ'͙̕͞t̫̙͞͞ ̳͙c̜̕͡a͏̶̟̦̯͇͉͞r͔̰͜e̴̖̦̰͔.̶̶̫ T̨̤̹͎̗̣ͬͦ̇̉ͅh̸̹͉̜͚̳̣̃ͩ̓ͬ̀͂e̶̬̘ͮ͒ͅy̻̪̜͍̰̦̙̥ͤ͋̀͑̓́̚͢ ̹̙̩̪̯̞̳̩̮ͨ̍̀̆̌͘d̗̬͓̱ͪ̓ͦ͐ͨͤ͞i̸̛̟̮̞̳͙͈͎ͤ̋̽́ͯͅd̗̰̯̫̳͚̏̏ͤ́̓̓̄ͬ͘ń̛̲̱̞̓͑'̋ͮ҉̸̤͉̩̬̙̰̩͍͜t̲̖̻̰͕͔͆͛̀̋͜͝ ̙̹͔̠͍͖͖͊̾ͯ͜c̠͕̜̳̘͈ͭ͒̉̈́̏ͅa̺̮͚̦͊̔͗ͮ͑ͪ̾ͥr̡͔̖̞̹͕͈͈͊̇̅́̃͂͒ȅ̡̛͓̯͎̌̉̅.͙̪͔̳̖̿̽̀ T̈ͨ̆̋̂͆͛ͥ͢͞҉̥̯͙̤͓ẖ̴̛͚͓͓͕̯̦̆ͨ͛͋͋̓̓̔̒̃ͦ̾́̏ͫ͘͠ę̷̱͓̼̳̬̥̟̥̜͎̒͛͒͆̄̈́̒͡y̹̹͖͎͚̱ͭ̍̔̇͐͆ͯ̓͊̇ͪ̅̿̈̍̎̑̏ͫ͢͜͠͠ ̧̳̮̮̳ͤ̔̋͌ͬ̈̓̇͊̽͂ͯ̈̽̚d̴̛͍̤͕͓̘̺̲͍̲̦͚͓̲͚̠͚̐̂͆̒̍̾͐ͥͥͧ͆͊͋ͫͅͅi͈̻̜͍̺͓̜̳̯̦͉͉͎ͣ͋ͥ̐̉̓͐̐̅ͮ͂͒ͩ̐̂̚͜͠d̶͈̜̗̻̟͎͖̗̫̳͂͛̽̃͟͡n͑͗͌͊ͧ̓ͯͫ̂͊ͩͮ͆̚͝҉̗̫̺̤̠'̴̢͕͔̞̣̞͕͕̜͍͙̫͇̤̝ͮ̄̇ͣ̓̇̋̚ͅţ̨̝̤̳̖̱̳̪͎̹̑̊̂ͧͮ̃̈́̂ͬ̚͜ ̛̜̞̠̝͕̱͚̲̼̥͇̭̀͐ͨ̉ͭ͌ͬͪͭͩ̎̍͛̅̌̔c̷̶̴̨͕̯̭̯̯̹̞̝ͫͬ̈́̓̽́͌̄̍͜a̸̡̼̦̖̬̪͎̺̼̳̩͚̝͕̰̗͈̭ͮͥ͛ͮ̈́́̀̄̊ͧ͆̔ͭ̂̓ͯ̉̈́̔͠r̶ͧ͋̅͐̉̚̕͟͏̗̗̱̱̼͈̮͎͉͖̭͔̭̞͕̗ͅͅe̶͗̄͗̀̐ͦ̉͌̑ͤ̚͏̘͈̬̝̥̙̻̼̯͖̯͔̳͉͔̻͓͕͖.̶̧̣̟̰͔͕̰̟̗͙͗ͮͧͮ̎͆̄ͦͪ̚̚ ̢̆̄̔ͧͥ͂͊̓ͬ̂̀ͪͩͮͮ͒̐̅͏̧҉̗̬̖

T̉̆ͣ̓͏̪̗̠̗̼̳͚̼͇̟̲͉̖̜̼̝̻̬H̸͇̥̞̦̘̝̝̪̹̖̼̫̝̙͈̔̈́̉͌ͯ͐͋͌ͯ̀̂̐͐ͬ̀̈́̊̕͢ͅͅE̵̶̪̳̻̦̍̏̏̅̈́̇̉̏ͨ̎̌Y̸̢̝͈̟̰̬͙̱̤̲͇̫͓͔̘̩̳̘ͫ̒ͯ͜ͅ ̸̷̧̺̙̩̖̝͕̜̯̹̠̏ͯ̊̉̆D̡͈̰͕̘̞̩͖̻̟͔̦͔̻̘̬̞̲̋͋̇ͮ̀ͩ̅͝ͅĨ̸̼̣̤̬̭̣͌̋̌ͧͅḎ̵̦͚̲̻̩̭̖͇͔̲ͯ̓ͭͤ̉ͯ̽ͪ͑̀̄ͥN̶̤̳͉̫͔̺ͭͦ͗̿̈́̀͛ͭ͂̇̓̈́̄͂͑͆̋́ͅ'̵̢̩̘̝̯̖̳̘̫̫̱͓̗̪̈́̐͋ͫ̓ͭͧͭ͆ͩ͐ͬͥ͒̾̍̋̚T̴̢̪͎̣̹̯͕̙̪̲̥͇̱̍̀̂̍̂̈͐͒̚͞͠ ̶̵̝̟̲̠̼̙͓̤̳͈̳̲͉ͥ͆̏͒̊̿̋͂͂̋ͪ͛̄̐͢ͅͅF̴̴̡͓͇͇̩̱̦̗̭͉͖̖̤̒̃͂ͦ̓ͨͯ̑ͨ̽̂Ų̵̢̹̬͈̥̥̻͚̞̦̘̳̙̘͇̩̈́̿̓̈́̏ͬ͂ͦͯ̍̈̚͡ͅC̸̨ͧ́̔͐ͬͫ͒͊̅͌̿̀ͬͦ̆̚͝҉͈̻̻̻̠̲̫̞̹̫͈ͅK̷̵̡̡̫̲̖͈͇̻̠̓́̎ͫͥ̇͌I̴̸̧͔̙̼͓̰̥͕̙̬͉͉͈̠͓̻͔̊͗̍ͭ͆͗͒ͪ̊͌ͅͅN̒͆̅̽̈̇̓̂̾̏̾҉̬̜̪̙͙͉̳̗̹̪͜͜͝G̡̧̳͚̖̤̻͙̫̘̣͔̰͕̟ͩ͆͋̽̉ ̈͒͋̌̑͗ͨ͐͛̾̋͐̾͊̎ͤ̾̉҉̡̧̟̬͎̯̺͎̜̟̟̺͇̗̦̜̞̹͢͠C̸͇̫͔̣͖͚̯̺̭͉̙̰̪̝̰ͭ͐ͥ̀̔ͧ͆̉̓̎͠ͅȂ̢͚̭͖̣̜͇ͣ̿̄͒ͮ͞͝R̷̵̪̘͙̗͍͎̜̺̲̮̤̻̰̬͚̳̮͔͛͆ͫͦ͋͒̈ͯͣ͆̅̊̌̀ͅE̶̶̢̻̝̺̝̘͖̬̣̐ͨͪ͒̌ͯͯ̏ͧ͌́ͨ̈̚͢͞ͅ.̶̈́͆ͧ̿ͨ̐ͮ͌ͪ͆ͤͩ҉̬̟̗̥͓͠

He broke down, sobbing in the middle of that diner, in front of the man who kidnapped him, tormented him, and screamed the truth he'd been hiding from right into his face.

And somehow he had the fucking nerve to apologize? Karamatsu didn't want a goddamn apology. He wanted to die.

Huh? What? Wait… Ch-Chibita… he was really going to help Karamatsu? He was offering, right in front of him, to help him, to a-

WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK!?

CHIBITA. THIS WAS NOT GOING TO TURN OUT WELL! WERE YOU AWARE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF AWAKENING THE MATSUNOS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN NIGHT?!

What, you thought if they didn't even give a quarter of a shit if he was going to die by water, they'd give at least an eighth if he was going to die by fire?! They'd probably prefer it since they wouldn't have to pay for cremation or have a funeral!

Karamatsu screamed out for help, God, please, he didn't want to die this way. Burning to death in front of his house, knowing his brothers could hear and see the danger he was in, leaving it irrefutable that they didn't fuck̪̞̰̹̪͚ͫ͜ͅȉ̃̅̑́ng̯̯̩͟ g̏̉̓ͮ̆ͦ҉̷̮̬͎̠i̥̟͔̱̲͍̚v̢̗̬̜̭̳̪̜̜́̅͑̓͂̏ͦ͡Ê̡̠̈́̽ͣ͡ͅ ̻̪̪̑̅̌͂A͌͟͏͍͇̬͖̟ͅ F̶̡͎̦̳͇̙̦̫͍̣̗̼̩͖̖̤̻̺͋̄ͭ̅̇ͪͫ̆̕͡U̶̵̞̖̮͇̭̮͍̥̻̳̠̮͓̦̹͙̞ͤͨ͛͢C̸̷̡͉͈̫̜̠̝̖̲͖̗̫͛́̽̽̎̓͐ͩ͌̅̓͊͐ͪ̓̄̋̎͋͢K̶̵̷͈̘̬̭̰̘͙̱͖̙̮̖͍̳ͨ͐̈́ͩ̂͗̐ͫͮ̏̔̽̎̑́ͯ̚̚ͅ!̵̡͍̰͉̳͓̩͍̰͓͇̻̰̘̬̮̲̱͖̩͂̅̓͌̽̐ͮ̇͛̍͌͒͌͐̒̋̉̌͟ about him!

Fuck. FUCK! He had nowhere to go, no one to rely on. He already knew his brothers-

Hi-his brothers! There they were! Maybe he was wrong, maybe he'd misunderstood this whole time! They were going to save him! They wer-n-m,.-jhfgdsafsdgufyeauhiWKJbrtlnymj,k.j/jb,kamn….

Karamatsu, blinking out the sunlight, awoke on the ground. It was cold. The sun hadn't had a chance to warm up the ground around him, nor himself. As he looked up at the blooming sky, he forced himself to remain calm.

What do you see? What do you feel? What to you smell? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you knowremember?

He sees the early morning sky. So he must be outside. He can't move much without pain screaming through his entire body. He could barely look around enough to see, he was in front of his own house. He smells...ashes. Oh, he's surrounded by ashes and burnt wood. He hears the birds singing without a care. He was jealous of that. He wanted to sing without a care. But even a groan from trying to sit up sent him into a coughing fit. Ah, right. He had to finish his assessment before he could move.

Alright. Taste. He tastes… ash… smoke… blood. Jesus fuck. Now. He remembers...Chibita. Chibita had him in water. The ocean. He… he was tied up in the ohhhhhhhhhhhhfuck. It all came flooding back. They didn't care. His most beloved brothers didn't care. He nearly died three times. THey didn't care. He could have drowned, they didn't care. He could have burned, they didn't care. They bludgeoned him, and they didn't care. And, considering he was still laying here, alone, hours later, neither Chibita, nor any passersby, cared.

Okay. All senses acknowledged. What were his current options? He could absolutely not face his family; he was far too afraid that they would be angry at him for still being alive. He knew they would all still be asleep, since the sky hadn't even turned blue. Ah. Irony. They woke to see blue, but hated blue…

No. Now wasn't the time. Karamatsu dragged himself using one leg and one arm, both very painfully, to the genkan, and yanked the phone down to where he could reach. He called for an ambulance, but demanded they not turn on the sirens, nor alert his family of anything. He'd offered to drag himself back to the sidewalk, but they promised him they'd be quick and quiet, and yes, they would clean up the blood as best they could.

He was surprised they agreed, but he supposed they didn't have much else going on at this time of day.

The EMTs arrived, without alarms, as promised. There were people there to clear away the blood, and clean up the whole area. Upon his arrival at the hospital, he went through the usual (he could actually call it usual… he'd been here so often, he was used to all of this, but he decided not to think about what that meant) paperwork and talks with various nurses, stupid short questionnaires and vital checks. All he needed was painkillers and a crutch and he'd be fine!

No. The doctors insisted he endure more tests. Do it.

It wasn't necessary. He could catalogue every injury he had.

Shattered tibia. Four broken ribs. Femur bruised down to the bone. Lacerations littered over all of him, but not deep enough to elicit much concern, considering the internal damage. Fractured wrist. Arm broken in seven- seven- places, as well as a dislocated shoulder. His lower jaw had been shifted 14 millimeters to the right, his sight in one eye would permanently be slightly impaired. Psychological trauma was a different story.

The pain was excruciating, of course; they deemed it necessary to pump him full of painkillers. They considered putting him in a temporary induced coma until the more severe injuries had healed, but he refused. He was finding it difficult to care at that point, even regarding the pain.

He didn't care.

He just. Did not. Care.


	18. So Many Useless Things

God. Damnit.

He was exhausted from moping around all night and the first thing he does is the morning is break Jyushimatsu's smile. One he had to have been actively putting on. He had only wanted to help.

Idiot, idiot, idiot.

And he calls Kusomatsu self-centered. Hell, he calls Kusomatsu 'Kusomatsu'!

He should step up and try to make up for things, rather than throwing a one man pity party for himself. He could say he just didn't wanna buy back Karamatsu's affection, pay him to feel loved, he could say he didn't deserve it so he wouldn't try. What a cowardly thought process. Yeah, he didn't deserve it, but Karamatsu was worth the effort.

He could start by finding out where Kusomatsu got his sunglasses.

Fucking shit.

He could START by not fucking calling him 'Kusomatsu'!

Then proceed to find out where he got his sunglasses. Find out how much they cost. He remembered he breaks about 14-20 pairs per month. Multiply that by how many years he'd been breaking them, take that total, and buy him some expensive ass shades that he'd never ever ever break. Maybe give them to Kus-...Karamatsu anonymously so that they wouldn't be tied to him.

He didn't want to show quite that much affection off the bat. He hardly even showed that much affection toward Jyushimatsu ffs.

Fuck, he should really apologize.

Anyway, if Karamatsu knew Ichimatsu had gotten him new shades, he'd always have that mental connection of them with him. Sentiment that shouldn't be there. So, anonymity. Thoug he'd probably never wear them in order to keep Ichimatsu from breaking them.

God, he was shitty.

Next, all the clothes he'd demolished. Buy him an outfit so PERFECT he'd cry from joy. Ichimatsu would never even complain about that one. Then he could take all his little savings, sell some of his own stuff, and steal his guitar, and get it professionally fixed up and decorated. Not too all-out, since he seemed to like the plain acoustic aesthetic for once.

Take him out for beer and karaage. Pay for it himself and not leave his brother behind.

Break his own bones in return for each one of the other's he himself had broken.

Get that one mall to let him back in again.

Someday maybe even apologize.

God fucking damnit. He was just. So. SHITTY.

He often claimed not to know how things got broken. Feign ignorance ven when he broke it in front of Karamatsu. Oh, these? So many useless things which nobody broke, but got broken anyway. Whodunnit? The world may never know.

Did he mention how shitty he was?

So shitty.

Now, where did Choromatsu keep that calculator? He had a lot of math to work out.

Wait, what was that? Was someone crying, or laughing?

He peeked down the hall, and approached, giving a small smile to his pile of brothers, making eye contact with Jyushimatsu and nodding his apology, which caused Jyushimatsu's smile to widen considerably.

With that, Ichimatsu set to work.


	19. I Cannot Quit Your Love Without Dying

Pacing only did so much to calm him down. He was still waiting for his older brother to come home, as well as avoiding the rest of them, as it seemed to be an even more constant reminder of the absence of the second than the churning worry in his gut was. He had the room to himself, and decided to do something he'd always been curious about. He was the responsible one, but he set that aside for now. He didn't know why but the temptation had been growing all day, and it was time to give in: time to rummage through Karamatsu's things.

Of course, there were tons of sunglasses, sparkly clothes and notebooks, random trinkets with skulls on them, the usual things you'd expect. Some notebooks were more plain. Who knew Karamatsu owned so damn many notebooks?

Making a mental catalogue of the placement of everything so he could replace them all and leave the blue brother none the wiser, assuming he himself knew exactly, exactly, where he'd left all of his belongings, he pulled out the notebooks and sat down.

Flipping through, he found some from high school, notes and assignments from over the years. He wasn't sure why the older had kept them, until he saw random writings or drawings on them in the margins. It looked like snippets of songs.

He set that notebook aside for now, and opened another. This one was filled with half-finished works. He knew Karamatsu could play guitar, but didn't know he could read music, let alone write it. Most pages were crossed out or heavily edited, mostly the same things over and over (at least it looked like it). The third notebook wasn't as full, and had words rather than notes. Comparing it to the first notebook, it looked like he'd taken the little snippets and expanded on them in the second two.

The fourth notebook was shortest, and consisted of drafts that put the two components together, while still edited, much less heavily. Several songs had stars drawn at the tops of the first pages, probably meaning he'd finished them. He found one with Jyushimatsu's handwriting in the title, and recognized it as their little Sextuplet song that they wrote together. Several others also had elements of Jyushimatsu's contributions.

The fifth notebook was written mostly in English, which he set aside for now, as the mere thought of translating that much ostentatiousness was already making his head throb in protest. Though seeing the words 'My Dearest Diary' meant he'd absolutely be coming back to that one. (we probably won't be, tbh)

Notebook number six was poetry. A lot of it incorporated English words, and some either really stretched to make rhymes, or just didn't rhyme at all. Most of them were flowery bullshit about romance, comparing eyes to water and lips to flowers and smiles to fish. Or maybe this is one of those love letters he wrote to a fish that he mentioned before.

Dear lord jesus christ how many love letters did he write to that fish? Your 'glub' is my 'glub'?! He's a p*****path!

Well, let's just skim past those.

Let's see…. 'Sail into the sunrise on our own little dingy', what the actual fuck are you talking about?

'Tender gills like the petals of a lily', well I guess that's not so bad.

'Each bubble a distant kiss', awe.

'With a sea of troubles between us, will you ever be mine?' Noooo don't give up!

...Is he shipping his brother with a fish?

Was 'shipping' a pun just now?!

Ahem. Anyway. Oh! Here's one about the sextuplets.

Ah...brothers, blah blah, not six but one...rainbow of...blah blah...but that's a lie, blah bl-wait, what?

'A rainbow of camaraderie, but that's a lie'?

He...He doesn't think of them as comrades? Well, Choromatsu guessed none of them did, at times. They were more like enemies, but…

'Though all of us share this, six same face,

Seems only I was chosen as the ultimate disgrace'

Okay, he was starting to feel sick. On a whim, he checked the date of that one.

Oh, good god. This was six days after the Karamatsu Incident. Of course it was. Choromatsu couldn't read the rest.

He picked up the next and final notebook. This one was just an amalgamation of quotes, completed with the authors' name. Seemed most of them at the beginning were quotes from a… Pablo Neruda? He skimmed over a few, before his eyes caught on one page where every quote had been penned carefully, neatly written, even for Karamatsu, whose handwriting in high school was even better than Choromatsu's himself.

Most were written in black or blue ink. The blue ones stuck out more.

'"The crackling of the blue cold; the gradual wearing away of the star'

'"A broken voice, a mourning song" - Pablo Neruda'

'"And the sea has put, over its blue face, a bitter mask" - Pablo Neruda'

'"No one will retrieve my lost heart" - Pablo Neruda'

'"When I got the chance, I asked them a slew of questions. They offered to burn me; it was the only thing they knew" - Pablo Neruda'

He paused, as that one was written in a very specific rainbow of colours, and read one more line before stopping.

'"I cannot quit your love without dying" - Pablo Neruda'

He did NOT want to think about what that meant. But he couldn't help it. Did he mean them? He couldn't quit their love without dying? Did that mean that, despite everything they had put him through, together, he'd rather die than live without loving them? Or that if he rejected them, he'd die? Was that literal or figurative?

It took a great effort to keep himself from being sick then and , he got up and found Osomatsu, wordlessly demanding a mini cuddle session to calm down. It was something they would do to help prevent Choromatsu's panic attacks. He was glad none of the others made fun of them, which led to a whole new line of unwelcome thoughts. Osomatsu sang to him until he fell into a dreamless nap.


	20. He Who Wanted To Go Away

**New Message**

Hey, Todomatsu!

It's Kinko!

I thought I should let ya know, I found your brother today.

I didn't realize you'd been looking for him till I talked to him, you know I'm not big on social media -.-

He'd probably be upset if he found out I told you but I hate seeing you worry.

Why aren't you responding, Tottyyyy?

Well, I'll just let you know what happened.

I was walking around and thought I saw him.

You wouldn't believe how long it took to find him.

It'd take, like, a whole chapter in a fanfiction to tell the whole story!

I'll give you a summary.

Well, first off, Karamatsu is okay!

Don't worry~

I don't know if he's ready to go home yet though.

Now, for the story.

I'll just keep adding bits until you get back to me.

I was walking around after I did my chores.

I decided to do some grocery shopping.

Funny how I spend my days off still working d: yet you NEETs spend your days off just goofing off.

But I was walking to the store and thought I saw him across the street.

I went to cross but by the time I did, he was gone!

I looked around a bit more, and there he was, ACROSS THE STREET AGAIN, LOL.

So I hurried across and still couldn't find him.

Next I knew, I was running all over the place yelling for him, when I realized, I might have been wrong the whole time!

I probably looked crazy d:

So I went back to walking, and thought I saw him AGAIN.

I knew I had!

He was hanging out outside of the store I was going to, smoking.

I thought he said he was going to quit ):

Oh well, I brought it up directly with him already anyway.

So I got to the front of the store and stopped to catch my breath…

Only to find he was gone again!

He'd somehow gotten past me again.

For the next fifteen minutes that happened!

I tell ya, he's a slippery guy to catch.

I want to make a virgin joke about being a 'catch' but this seems like a bad time for humour.

So after playing chase for fifteen minutes, I finally caught him!

To be honest I thought I was losing it.

Anyway, when I found him, he was sort of ignoring me.

(Like you're doing now, ahem.)

Not like on purpose, but like.

As if he didn't notice anything.

He was sort of muttering to himself too.

Not sure what he was saying.

Are you even getting these messages?

I wish more of you guys had phones besides just you and Karamatsu.

Ah! I should have just messaged him instead of chasing him around!

Hindsight and all that, whatever.

Plus I don't think he has his phone.

But yeah, he was all like "Ah, Kin-chan!"

Eh, I was gonna try to quote him, but he was talking too fast.

I can't remember what he said, could barely tell at the time either.

He was obviously drowsy.

I mean, according to him he's been awake for a while.

I'll get to that in a minute.

So, he said hi and ran out of steam before he even finished talking, so I dragged him over to a machine and bought him a coffee.

He downed it pretty quick.

So we sat down and talked.

He told me about how his day (?) went.

I'm sort of not sure if I should tell you all of this.

Feels like a breach of privacy.

I guess I'll tell you parts, and redact parts.

Funny, I don't think I've ever seen the word 'redact', I've only seen it in past tense as 'redacted'

So, he sort of rushed through an explanation.

Understandable since I know he told the story to at least one other person.

According to him, he had a really bad day.

Like, he got spat on at one point.

[Then I guess you guys ignored him?] Message removed

And he got pretty down about that.

Then he went on a little 50 kilometer stroll.

He walked like all day and all night with short breaks.

This morning he met someone, wouldn't tell me who, and told them about stuff.

Then I guess he walked all day and thought some more.

Considering he walked another 20 or so kilometers, he had a lot of thinking to do.

[Personally, I find it telling that he walked away from the direction of your house.] Message removed.

He said he wasn't sure when or if he'd be home tonight.

[Again, since he was walking away, I think I know that answer.] Message removed.

Poor guy, he really misses all of you.

[He doesn't think you miss him, though] Message removed.

Todomatsu, I know it's getting late, but you're always glued to your phone.

Unless you're out looking for him, which I doubt.

Ah, that sounds bad!

I mean that you already knew how far away he was according to your tweets with Atsushi-san.

But even if you were, you'd have your phone.

To continue, he and I had a long talk, and I gave him some things to think about.

Apparently the other person gave him a lot to think about too.

[I'm not gonna say too much, but I will say.] Message removed

[Please just treat him well] Message removed.

I probably shouldn't say more.

Just know that he's okay.

And he won't stay gone forever.

[I'm pretty sure.] Message removed.

So try not to worry too much.

It's getting late. I'll talk to you later, Totty!

Notes:


	21. I Am The One Who Dies

_When one loses sleep, it seems one becomes more in tune with the wants that they hold down. Least, that's what I have found. Cigarettes, for example. The cravings for such poison becomes nearly irresistible, or might, had I put up any true form of resistance. Once I've had my fill of that toxic smoke, fatigue washes over me. In the mornings, smoking tends to be the farthest thing from my mind. Yet exhausted, it calls to me. And so I cannot help but wonder, does that mean I should follow every impulse that strikes me whilst tired, or avoid them all completely?_

_That is a good question._

Karamatsu was just so tired by now. He wanted to go home but he wanted to stay far away from home. At this point, he just couldn't win. After his talk with Homura-chan, he had enough to think about. Then Kin-chan somehow found him? And he was exhausted.

I could go into detail about their conversation, but that would be a waste of my time and yours.

To summarize: Kinko spent a good half an hour tracking down Karamatsu, and he had a conversation with her much like the one he'd had with Homura-chan. But different.

Now, instead of considering_ if_ he should return home, he was considering _when_ he should go home. He couldn't keep running like this. Of course he didn't believe anyone was looking for him, but that didn't mean he was right.

So he walked.

He walked more, much as he had been.

And he thought, much as he had been.

He was almost positive he would return home, at least for a while.

But he was afraid.

There was so much to consider.

Had his family even noticed he'd left?

If so, were they happy about it, or worried?

If not, was that because they didn't care, or just couldn't keep track? There were six of them after all.

If they were happy he was gone, should he leave completely? Where would he go? And why on earth was he so sure that they would want him gone? He didn't want..

Wait. Him. He forgot again. He had to consider himself as well.

That was most of what his two most recent conversations were about. Homura made him question what his family would _really_ want. Kinko made him question what _he_ really wanted.

What did Karamatsu really want?

He…

He wanted to stay. He wanted to stay!

But not if the others wanted him to leave…

Why did this all have to be so complicated. He just wanted everyone to be happy. That is all he wanted. He was beginning to hate himself even more for making that impossible.

If only he were someone else, if only-...

Wait. Someone else? Someone else…

He knew how he felt about his family. He loved them unconditionally. He would do anything for them. He would die for them. Of course, sometimes fear made him forget that (sorry, Choromatsu), but he would! But they didn't love him the same. They tolerated him.

Osomatsu. He tolerated him so well. He'd even started to become immune to the broken ribs Karamatsu would unintentionally cause. He'd encouraged Karamatsu. But wouldn't it be easier if he just...didn't cause broken ribs?

Choromatsu. He seemed to be on Karamatsu's side. But he called him Kusomatsu, too. Imagine if he wasn't Kusomatsu, but rather, someone better? Someone Choromatsu didn't have to reprimand, or someone he just liked having around?

Ichimatsu. He would love for Karamatsu to be different. He hated him so much. No matter how hard he tried... Wouldn't he much prefer never having to bother with Karamatsu ever again? Wouldn't he rather…

Jyushimatsu. He loved everyone. Surely though, even he would prefer a big brother he could actually look up to.

And Todomatsu. He disliked all of his big brothers, but even he set Karamatsu apart as 'Kusomatsu-niisan'. Sure, he added the honorific, but he always did, unless he really, _really needed_ to get a point across, which was rare. Imagine if he had a Karamatsu-niisan he actually liked!

The best option was making itself clear.

To please himself, he should stay. He loved his brothers. He wanted to stay!

But if they didn't love him as well, well then… He just wouldn't come back. Not as himself. He would come back as someone new. Someone entirely different.

It was perfect! Everyone could have what was best for them! He could go home, and they could be rid of him!

Not only that, they could have someone new! A brand new family member that they didn't hate!

He'd drop his Perfect Fashion that he knew they all hated (though for the life of him he couldn't understand why, that didn't matter.) He would speak less, drop the extensive vocabulary. Speak only when necessary, only as much as necessary. As it was, he really didn't talk too much, but when he did he apparently didn't know when to shut up. He would get rid of his prized mirror. Of course he loved it, but it was one of the things he was made fun of for, always looking into it.

Oh, his mirror. He'd had his first one for so long, and he looked into it for so many reasons. To practice facial expressions, to make sure he looked good (he was starting to believe he never really did. Maybe he should do something about his eyebrows. He had always been so proud of them, how they always seemed so perfectly groomed with minimal effort, but maybe they were also a problem), to nervously play with his fringe without drawing attention to the fact it was nerves, to have silent conversations with himself as he often did, oh, he loved that single cheap mirror so deeply. Had he ever actually thanked his mother for getting it for him? She had only gotten it for him so he would stop hogging the bathroom to practice for drama club, but he should have thanked her by now. Maybe thanked his brothers for not intentionally shattering it.

He'd bought his new one himself after Todo-... er, after his other one had been unintentionally broken. Of course, he blamed no one! It was an accident. Right? ...Right?

Okay, he'd get rid of it. Put it away, not toss it. He couldn't handle it being broken, if he were being entirely honest with himself.

His clothes. His leather jacket, his favourite belt, his sparkly pants, his wonderful shorts, his tank tops, all of his fashion that his brothers had complained about, he'd store it all away. He couldn't bring himself to be entirely rid of it yet. He loved it all. Yeah, he knew some of it looked like trash on him (maybe all of it did, but he didnt view it that way), but he still loved his sense of fashion. But even he knew how to turn it down. He knew he was extra, but if he had to minimize his fashion sense to appease the masses, he would. He'd stop casually showing his nipples too.

Shut up. Dress well. Be invisible. Don't fuck up. He could do that. That's what the others wanted, right?

He could do this. He could! He could reinvent himself, become someone else! Oh, his brothers would be so happy! Losing an inconvenience and gaining a welcomed commodity.

With a broken and empty smile, he turned around. He began heading back towards home. He knew his idea would work. It would take effort, but, as he always said, anything for his beloved _brothers_.


	22. We, We Who Were, We Are The Same No More

Choromatsu was with his brothers, sans Karamatsu, sitting around the table, eating in silence. They all looked exhausted. Todomatsu wasn't even on his phone. He hadn't touched it since the previous evening. He was sick of all the hate mail he was receiving, and was in need of a break from it. No one had any information to help anyways.

No one was speaking. There was a large blue elephant in the room that they had been avoiding acknowledging, save for a few 'slip-ups', for the past couple of days. They were all back to ignoring it the best they could. Their parents had sat down for a talk last night and came to the conclusion that the police were probably right. Karamatsu was an adult, and it had only been a couple of days since he left. He probably just wanted a break for a while and would come home when he was ready.

So here they were, pretending everything was fine. None of them felt right about it, but what else could they do? He'd been gone for two days now, they had no clue where he could be. Of course, they were all still worried, even Ichimatsu, though he would never admit it out loud. He'd been out, apparently shopping earlier that day. Whatever he bought was discreetly placed carefully among Karamatsu's belongings.

So, they were all worried, but after their parents' announcement, had to pretend not to be. It was an unspoken, mutual decision that none of them were happy with, but were selfishly relieved about. They just had to believe that Karamatsu-niisan would come back to them.

Fortunately, or possibly unfortunately, they'd all woken up that morning with a hopeful, yet ominous feeling. They hoped that the good feeling meant their brother would come home, and would just be hurt or something, so despite their worry, they were still somewhat optimistic.

Choromatsu realized it probably reflected badly on them that they cared so little over the fact that the second brother might be injured, but after all the injuries he had sustained, figures he could handle it well enough. He always did, after all.

Their mother set out dinner for them, only five bowls. Choromatsu's usual frown deepened at how easily their mom just excluded Karamatsu like that, even though the five of them had been doing it for years. He looked around for likely the thousandth time at his brothers. Ichimatsu scoffed and started eating at his usual lazy pace. Todomatsu looked like he was about to cry. Jyushimatsu's smile was as empty as the space he stared at, where Karamatsu should have been sitting. Osomatsu just stared at his food blankly. Eventually they all began eating. There was some vague attempts at conversation, but it didn't do much. Clearly, no one was in the mood.

Then Jyushimatsu stood up. He slammed his hands on the table, despite the fact that merely standing up had garnered everyone's attention.

"Knock, knock!" He practically yelled, smile gone.

After a pregnant pause, Choromatsu hesitantly answered, "...who's there?

"Mikey."

"Uh… Mikey who?" Osomatsu bit.

"Mikey isn't working!" (My key isn't working)

After another pause, someone snorted, causing Jyushimatsu to smile and continue, "Knock, knock!"

"Who's there?" Said Todomatsu.

"Spell."

"Spell who?" Ichimatsu responded.

"W-H-O."

A series of chuckles.

"What the hell, that's so lame… ah! Knock knock!" Osomatsu took over.

"Who's there?" Jyushimatsu asked.

"Kenya."

"Kenya who?" The rest chorused.

"Kenya guess who it is?"

Cue further snickers, and soon everyone was throwing out jokes.

"Knock, knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Figs."

"Figs who?"

"Figs the doorbell, it's broken."

Even Choromatsu joined in. "Knock, knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Control freak."

"Contr-"

"Now you say control freak who."

Everyone was roaring with laughter.

Until they heard the door.

"Tadaima." They barely caught the quiet announcement over their rapidly dying laughs.

"Ah, Karamatsu, you're home. Okaeri. Would you like some dinner? I can make you a bowl."

"...No. Thanks."

Walking past the room containing his brothers to head upstairs, Karamatsu left an awkward silence in his wake.

Shit.

None of them could think of a word to say to him as he passed. They didn't know what to say to each other either. Goddamnit.

Imagine being missing for days and coming home to your brothers laughing together eating dinner like nothing was amiss. He must think they hardly even noticed he was gone. And then they flat-out ignored him, didn't even _look_ at him.

Choromatsu looked around yet again. Osomatsu was looking blankly at his food again. Jyushimatsu was looking guilty with a sad smile. Totty was poking around his own food. Ichimatsu was eating slowly. Choromatsu followed suit, eating slower than he usually would, not wanting to be the first to bump into Karamatsu. What would he even say to him? What _could_ he say to him?

Suddenly Jyushimatsu gasped with an excited smile and began shoveling food into his mouth, eating it all far too quickly. The moment he was done, he left his dishes and took off upstairs, presumably after Karamatsu. The rest went on with the silence.

It was like a contest of who could take the longest to eat. Obviously no one but Jyushimatsu had any idea of what to do or say in this situation.

Really though, there were so many options. 'Welcome back', 'where were you' or even getting mad at him for worrying them. They were great at getting mad at him, after all. They could even say 'we missed you', because they did! But fuck if any of them would dare to say it aloud. So the alternatives were: act like nothing's different, or silence.

Everyone was waiting for each other to make that choice so the rest could follow suit. Choromatsu wished he knew what option Jyushimatsu chose. Likely not silence, considering this was Jyushimatsu we're talking about.

Eventually, trudging footfalls could be heard coming down the steps. Choromatsu felt the tension in the room grow the closer the footsteps got. He expected to see Karamatsu drag himself by, or even into the room, but was shocked to see a clearly dejected Jyushimatsu instead. He looked on the verge of tears.

"Jyushimatsu? W-what happened?" Choromatsu stammered.

A single tear fell from Jyushimatsu's eye.

"Karamatsu-niisan is different now."

We were all quiet until Ichimatsu muttered a curse under his breath. He stood up and started for the stairs.

Jyushimatsu stopped him and sternly demanded, rather than asked, "Where are you going."

"That bastard makes us… m-makes you idiots, worry, he just disappears for two days, then he comes back just to make you cry? No."

He shoved the younger off and stormed up the stairs. Wordlessly, Choromatsu stood, intent on following, noticing the rest do the same on their own accord. He idly marvaled, not for the first time, at their synchronicity.

They arrived just in time to see Ichimatsu block off Karamatsu's way to the bedroom, presumably from the bathroom. He grabbed the collar of the other's pajama shirt. He roughly slammed him against the wall.

"What the fuck, Kusomatsu?"

Karamatsu grunted at the impact. Jyushimatsu made a move to intervene, only to be stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"What is it?" The second eldest asked calmly, which seemed to further upset Ichimatsu.

He growled at him, "You think you're so fucking special, don't you? Who do you think you are, running off for two fuckin' days?"

"You noticed?" Choromatsu flinched at the genuine question, feeling guilt seep in. He really thought they hadn't noticed? Ichimatsu seemed to get angrier by the second.

"Obviously, we noticed! Thanks to you the chores have been piling up, and you were nowhere to be found." The little amount of hope that had made its way into Karamatsu's eyes vanished.

"I'll take care of the cho-" he was cut off by a jerk to his frame.

"And! You made Jyushimatsu worry-" Karamatsu glanced at the mentioned brother sadly nd apologetically, with a hint of surprise, until Ichimatsu continued, "-that the only idiot who could keep up with him in baseball was never coming back. And now, you made him cry you useless, no-good, shitty, second eldest, goddamnit, Kusomatsu!"

Choromatsu wanted to step in. Ichimatsu was lashing out as usual, unable to express himself without anger and violence. But he remained behind with the rest, hand still resting on Jyushimatsu's shoulder.

Karamatsu sighed and tried again. "I didn't mean to be gone for so l-"

"I don't wanna hear your stupid excuses!"

"...I'm sorry."

Karamatsu pried Ichimatsu's hand off of himself. He navigated his way around the brothers into the bedroom and silently began working on the chores.

Choromatsu felt so guilty. Ichimatsu was just staring at the spot on the wall he'd had Karamatsu pushed up against. He slammed a fist into the wall. "Damnit."


	23. That's All Far Away, Someone Sings

At the time, I really didn't know what to do. Everyone was so quiet. That was where I was supposed to do my job and make everyone smile and laugh. So, I decided to set aside how I was feeling and do it. I stood up and cracked a joke, and another, and soon, everyone was joking around and laughing. Success! I had finally done something right!

But then, as we were all laughing, Karamatsu-niisan came home. A-and, I was happy! But...he came home to all of us laughing and having fun without him.

I think I screwed up again.

Then, none of us said anything. To him or each other. After all, what was there to say?

But after I thought about it for a while, I realized, duh! We could sing! He'd never turned me down when I asked him to sing with me; it was perfect!

I practically inhaled my meal so I could be the first to talk to him. Maybe it was selfish, but I felt like I should be the one to break the ice. I left my dishes on the table and ran upstairs to find him. He was carrying his shower stuff to the bathroom, which I guess made sense, since it'd been a couple days since he'd had the chance to bathe.

I'd startled him when I yelled "Nii-san!" Which I felt bad about, but I was just so excited!

"Uh. Yeah?" He'd said, which kind of caught me off-guard. He hadn't said 'my little Jyushimatsu', or 'brother', or anything like that.

I brushed it off, though.

"Let's sing!"

I'd expected that usual stupid smirk. I'd expected him to agree immediately. Anything but what ended up happening.

"I, um. No, Jyushimatsu. You can sing if you want. I'm going to shower." And then walked away.

I was so confused. He...he _never_ said no to me, especially not when it came to singing with me. Sure, we all usually hated his music and got really annoyed with him. But since he'd just got back, I was sure everyone would be just fine with it.

"W-well! What about you just play your guitar while I sing-"

"No. I'm sorry."

"Then. Wanna play baseball?"

"It's late."

"Never too late for yakyuu!"

"...Maybe tomorrow."

And the bathroom door closed.

"Ah."

After that, I went down and told the others, "Karamatsu-niisan is different now." I accidentally let them see me cry, and that made Ichimatsu-niisan lose it a bit. I know he was just frustrated and upset and didn't know how to show it, but. Well. He hecked the fuck up. He knows it, too. He even hurt himself denting the wall right after he hurt Karamatsu-niisan. I had tried to step in but someone stopped me. I don't know why I let them.

So now, I'm sitting here on the roof while Karamatsu-niisan is catching up on the chores. Hardly anyone has spoken a word since he's been home. It makes me sad. Right now, he's hanging the laundry to dry. He said once he's done, we can go play baseball. He works so hard.

I think I might be a bad person. This morning, at breakfast, I was one of the brothers who ate his share. Then I left my dishes for him to take care of. Even now, I'm just watching him, not helping.

I could just say it's because, well, knowing me, I would break something and make things harder for him. But that's not why. I just. Don't want to. I'm horrible.

"I'm finished now, _bro-_" a sigh. "Jyushimatsu. Are you ready?"

I jump up with my big smile on. "Yes, Nii-san! Let's go! Muscle, muscle! Hustle, hustle!" And we head off.

Along the way, we don't speak.

As we play, we don't speak.

On the way home, we don't speak.

At home, I ask him to sing again.

"No."

I almost can't remember his singing voice. It feels so long ago. So far away.


	24. And You Are Like The Word: Melancholy

Ichimatsu sat in his corner. He was ignoring Nyanko. He was ignoring all of the cats. In fact, he was ignoring everyone. Any time anyone attempted to speak to him, he would either sink further into himself, or glare in silence until he was left alone.

Not that anyone besides Jyushimatsu even bothered trying to talk to him. The rest kept their distance. Understandably. He fucked up, after all. They were probably all furious with him for fucking up. It's just… They were all so worried over nothing! Karamatsu turned out to be fine! He was so scared something had happened, but there wasn't a scratch on him!

...Okay, so. He screwed up pretty bad. He just only knew two ways of dealing with Karamatsu (at least while sober): ignoring him, or being violent. So, kindness… how would he do that? He couldn't…He even took back the new, expensive sunglasses he'd bought for him and hidden them among his own things.

So now, here he was, sitting in his own guilt and misery. Jyushimatsu had invited him to play baseball, but even if he'd been considering agreeing, that possibility was thrown very far out a very high window when he found out Karamatsu was already going.

Really, everyone else probably saw all of this coming, and he was the only idiot who thought things could change.

Ah, but things _had_ changed. Karamatsu had hardly spoken since he got home last night. Choromatsu was sleeping in, Todomatsu refused to even touch his phone, and Osomatsu was stalking Karamatsu and Jyushimatsu. Things were just so weird.

Ichimatsu knew he had to apologize. He had to at least try. After all, sitting around wasn't going to fix anything.

Argh! How was he going to do that? He rarely apologized to anyone. Even apologizing to Nyanko alone had been difficult. But to Kusomatsu? How would he manage without falling back on old habits again?

He was hopeless, wasn't he? Tsundere or whatever. How could he have honestly believed he could change? He tried, he had, but obviously not hard enough.

Okay. Okay, next time he saw Karamatsu, he'd figure out a way to apologize. Somehow. But what was the possibility he'd be forgiven? Well… He'd deal with that when the time came.

He was honestly getting tired of moping. Yes, he would admit, that's what he was doing. Moping. Though that was one of his favourite pastimes, he really was just done with it today. But what else could he do while waiting for Karamatsu and Jyushimatsu to come back home?

He took a breath and looked up. Choromatsu was still sleeping, or at least pretending to be. The best Ichimatsu can figure is that he's trying to avoid the situation, or maybe is biding his time trying to think of a solution. Todomatsu was finally on his phone again, typing, type-type-typing away. His expression was neutral.

Ah, how Ichimatsu wanted to say _something_, but what? And to whom? Ever since Karamatsu came home, things had been tense, awkward, and complicated for everyone. No, no. That's not fair. He had to stop using Karamatsu as a convenient scapegoat. This was everyone's fault, because no one knew how to grow up and speak.

Not that Ichimatsu thought it remotely possible that he'd be the first to do so. He just wished someone would speak up already!

Eventually, Todomatsu let out a sigh, followed by a "Tsk."

Ichimatsu bit, "Hmm," he grunted.

Totty tsked again.

"I heard you, dumbass, I was asking why you tsked."

"Kin-chan messaged me the night before last saying she found Karamatsu-niisan."

This made Choromatsu sit up. He glared at the youngest. _"What."_

"Kin-chan messaged me the night-"

"I HEARD YOU, DUMBASS! I was asking why you're only finding this out now!"

Todomatsu glared back, "Because I was avoiding hate mail!"

"We could have found out before yesterday where he was! We could have gone to get him!"

"I know that, damnit!"

Ichimatsu just listened on without speaking. He understood why Choromatsu was so mad at Totty. Because it was an easy place to put the blame. "'S not his fault, Shikomatsu, and you know it. Go back to sleep."

Silence followed, as it often did lately, before Choromatsu muttered "Whatever," and rolled over.

They were quiet again.

Finally, the door opened. The two announced their return. Ichimatsu heard Jyushimatsu ask Karamatsu to sing. He was immediately conflicted. Karamatsu always seemed to play badly when he knew others could hear (nerves, maybe?) and sang with his annoying "cool" voice. But with how things had been the past few days, it'd honestly be a relief to hear.

"No."

… Excuse me? Did. Did Kusomatsu just turn Jyushimatsu down?! Who the hell did he think he was!?

He stood up and went to the bedroom to confront him, while Jyushimatsu stayed in the entryway where Osomatsu had just shown up after stalking them.

He closed the bedroom door behind them, glare in place. He knew Karamatsu knew he was there.

Karamatsu hesitated in the center of the room, before turning to face the younger.

Ichimatsu stumbled over a few unintelligible syllables as he realized he'd just been about to make things worse. The two stood there, eyes locked.

Finally, Ichimatsu broke away and heaved a breath. Karamatsu let out one that Ichimatsu hadn't been aware he was holding. Locking eyes again, both began to slowly sit down on the floor in sync. As they lowered, they both turned, back-to-back, leaning against each other.

Ichimatsu felt his eyes begin to sting, though he fought it back. He sighed and whispered "I'm… sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

He shook his head. "What do you have to be sorry for?"

"Leaving. Pissing you off. Being me. Just, everything. But don't worry. That's all going to change now."

Ichimatsu's brow furrowed. "Change? Karamatsu, you're not what has to change here. You do know that, right?"

No response.

Sigh. Ichimatsu moved his hand to hold onto his brother's wrist behind him. "Don't change."

"It's for the best."

"Is not"

"... Trust me."

Ichimatsu wanted to reply 'trust me, but considered… After everything, how could Karamatsu trust him?

Ah!

He crawled over to his things and dug out the case with the expensive new shades. He walked back to the other and crouched down. He offered them to him and said again, "don't change."

For just a moment, Karamatsu's eyes lit up in delight, before fading away a second later. He took the case, closed it, and set it on his top shelf. Without a glance back, he left for the roof, again insisting, "it's for the best," leaving his brother alone.

Ichimatsu swallowed down the lump in his throat, refusing to cry.


	25. I Send Out Red Signals

Osomatsu was a good big brother. Right? He led his brothers, made sure they enjoyed their lazy days with drinking, playing, hanging out, even inserting himself into their personal lives in ways that (to him) were pretty funny. Usually. He (usually)made sure that the whole group was together, unless he knew why certain brothers weren't there at the time. He encouraged them (even if half-heartedly) when he knew they needed or wanted it. He praised them and gave them affection. He took them down a peg or two when he deemed it necessary. He knew what was best for them. Sure he sometimes was relentless with his teasing, but it was (usually) all in good fun. See? He was a good brother!

Okay, so maybe he wasn't always a great big brother. He was selfish. Unobservant. Whiny. But really, selfishness was his biggest issue. As long as he was happy, all else was secondary.

And so, if he were to approach Karamatsu about what's been going on what good would it do? There's no way he'd believe Osomatsu was looking out for him. But in truth, he was looking out for everyone. Things had seriously changed since Karamatsu disappeared. Even though he was back, things still weren't the same.

And really, they shouldn't be. As much as they all likely wanted to forget it ever happened, return to their comfortable routine, they knew they couldn't. Osomatsu, especially, as leader, couldn't let them.

Their eyes had been opened, yet again, to how mistreated the second brother was. Once he'd healed last time, they'd all reverted. This time, things needed to improve.

He knew Ichimatsu had tried. And Jyushimatsu. He knew Choromatsu and Todomatsu wanted to. And he shouldn't sit around and wait for them to. It was his turn.

He didn't know how to approach him. So he waited. He knew he was around, dutifully catching up on chores just as he'd promised Ichimatsu he would do. Yet, even now, no one was helping him do it. Jyushimatsu was following him around, just watching. At least he was keeping him company, not that they were really talking.

He stayed out of sight, just watching. Karamatsu was good at doing chores, moved with practiced ease, yet not mindlessly. Osomatsu hadn't even considered chores as something someone could be good at.

Finally, Karamatsu announced to Jyushimatsu that the chores had been completed. The two left for the field at the park. Osomatsu took that as his cue. He waited for his two brothers to get a bit of distance before slipping on his shoes and following.

Why was he following them? He wasn't totally sure, but he felt like he should. Maybe he was worried Karamatsu wouldn't come back again. He stayed hidden for the hour or so they played baseball, and followed them back home as well.

He purposely waited a 30 count before going inside. He was too impatient to wait longer. He talked briefly with Jyushimatsu, mostly asking how their playtime was. He would have talked longer, but he noticed Ichimatsu following Karamatsu to the bedroom, looking irritated.

He interrupted Jyushimatsu, insisting, "Hang on, hang on, I'll be right back."

Jyushimatsu must've caught on to something because he just nodded and skipped to the living room with Todomatsu and a sleeping Choromatsu.

Osomatsu hurried up the stairs and peeked into the room. Karamatsu and Ichimatsu were slowly sitting down, back-to-back. They were talking in low voices, so he couldn't hear much.

Suddenly, Ichimatsu crawled over to his stuff, grabbing something and walking back over to their brother, offering it to him. Karamatsu took it, set it on his shelf, and headed for the roof, calling back, "It's for the best."

Waiting a few moments to hide his eavesdropping, he opened the door all the way and entered the bedroom as well.

"Hey, Ichimacchan!"

Ichimatsu jumped and sniffled, clearly trying not to cry, and clearly trying to hide it.

"What do you want, Nii-san?"

Osomatsu rubbed under his nose. "Didja see where Karamatsu went? I wanna talk to him."

"Roof," he replied, voice still a bit shaky.

"Alright. You, uh. Doin' okay?"

"Mind your business," Ichimatsu replied shortly.

"Alright," he said, trying to soothe his brother. "I'll just," he motioned to the roof and headed out.

As he stepped onto the roof, he realized he had no plan. He wanted to keep this casual, but knew he shouldn't make it into a joke.

Karamatsu was sitting in his usual spot, looking up at the sky. He didn't say anything as Osomatsu approached, but Osomatsu knew he knew he was there. He moved next to his brother and took a seat.

Ahh, he really should've planned this conversation out.

"Ah, I lost big at pachinko!" He complained. A lie, of course. He hadn't been to pachinko since before all this happened.

Karamatsu didn't respond, instead pulling out a pack of cigarettes, offering one to Osomatsu, who took it.

"Thought you decided to quit after Totty bitched you out when his friends saw you and thought he was the one smoking," he said without thinking.

Karamatsu paused, put his cigarette back in the pack, and handed to pack to Osomatsu, muttering a simple 'right'.

Okayyy… maybe the wrong thing to say.

"But seriously, Onii-chan had such rotten luck!"

Wordlessly, Karamatsu pulled out his wallet, took out some bills, and handed them over. He put his wallet back in his pocket, and went back inside. Osomatsu heard Ichimatsu ask "Where are you going?" But didn't hear the reply.

Ichimatsu climbed up onto the roof just as Karamatsu left the house.

"Well?" Ichimatsu asked.

"He gave me his cigarettes, some money, and left. He hardly said a word."

"What did you say?" He was being inquisitive rather than accusatory.

"Complained about a made up trip to Pachinko. Asked if he hadn't quit smoking."

"You pretended you went to play pachinko while he was missing?"

Osomatsu paused. Shit. That's what it sounded like. He seriously botched that conversation.

He watched Karamatsu walking farther away.

"Follow?" He asked.

"Follow," Ichimatsu replied.


	26. You Listen To Other's Voices In My Voice

Todomatsu couldn't stop reading over Kin-chans messages Maybe… no, definitely, Choromatsu was right. If he'd checked his phone, they could've found karamatsu sooner. But it wasn't his fault! The only reason he was getting hatemail was because he'd posted trying so hard to find him.

He realized he should probably post again, thanking whomever tried to help him, let them know his brother came home.

'My brother finally came home! Thank you to everyone who helped! ^.^'

He waited for the inevitable backlash.

But instead, his notifications blew up with new followers.

_ kawaiitotty__ awe thats so sweet you worked so hard to find him and you did!_

_ kawaiitotty__ Happy for you, Totty!_

_ kawaiitotty__ Happy to help._

_ kawaiitotty__ ull have 2 take pix of u 2gether!_

Until…

_ kawaiitotty__ as if you cared_

He reread that message. Who sent it? Just some random person he'd never met. He checked their profile. It wasn't a dummy account, the posted regularly.

But every time he reread it…

'as if you cared'

…He could swear he heard Karamatsu saying it.

Soon, everything sounded like Karamatsu, bouncing between his painful kind words, to harsh words that brought a different kind of pain.

_ kawaiitotty__ you're such a good brother!_

_ kawaiitotty__ good job, Totty!_

_ kawaiitotty__ It took u that long? Wtf is wrong w u?_

_ kawaiitotty__ Yay! Good 4 u!_

_You're a liar and a shit person __ kawaiitotty_

_ kawaiitotty__ surprised ur bro's not dead tbh_

He set his phone aside. Jyushimatsu had been reading over his shoulder for who knows how long. He hid his face, not knowing what expression he had on.

Jyushimatsu leaned in and whispered, "It's okay, Todomatsu."

In a familiar, painful voice.

Todomatsu stood and dragged his elder brother to the bathroom.

Once there, he sat on the floor, inviting Jyushimatsu to join him. Once they were both on the floor, silence reigned for less than a minute, before Totty gave in.

"Say more. Like that."

Jyushimatsu always seemed to know things, and the brothers had long since given up trying to work him out. In moments like this, Todomatsu was grateful for it.

"You did so much to help, thank you," Jyushimatsu said in a perfect imitation of Karamatsu's fake, painful voice. The one no one had heard since he came home. The one everyone secretly missed. The one Totty needed to hear those words in right now.

"You did all you could, I'm so proud of you."

Todomatsu just wished the real Karamatsu would say these things. And mean it.

They continued like that for maybe a couple minutes, before Totty felt like he'd cry if he heard another word of comfort from that voice, but not from the source he truly needed it from.

As they left the bathroom they came upon Ichimatsu trailing after Osomatsu towards the front door.

"Where are you going, Nii-san?"

"We're following Karamatsu," Osomatsu replied, putting on his shoes.

"I wanna play the stalking game, too!"

Ichimatsu shushed him a bit too late, as Choromatsu stomped to the genkan and crossed his arms.

"Who, exactly, are you stalking?"

"Karamatsu. Are you coming or not, Choroshikoski?"

An indignant look crossed his features, but before he could retort, Jyushimatsu bounded over to him.

"Yeah, Nii-san! Let's all go!"

He sighed, uncrossed his arms, and silently went to put on his shoes.

Todomatsu checked his phone. 3072 new followers in just a few minutes. He put his phone back in his pocket, not bothering to check his other notifications.

The group set out in the last direction they saw Karamatsu headed, realizing after a few blocks where he was probably (hopefully) headed. Best case scenario: Chibita's stand; worst case scenario: running away again.

They picked up the pace in sync, until they were about a block from the cart. Totty could see it from there. Karamatsu was the only customer present. He sneaked closer, following Osomatsu's lead, trying to get close enough to hear but not be seen.

Behind a series of bushes, they crept closer.

"...still think it's weird. I mean, you didn't even bring me flowers, you're actually paying, and you're hardly talking!"

"Not much to say," he heard Karamatsu reply in that dull voice he was quickly coming to dislike, significantly more than that fake, deep voice. Maybe because, while this wasn't his true voice, it wasn't really fake.

"You always have something to say!" Chibita retorted, before correcting himself, "Rather, you talk a lot, but don't end up saying much."

Todomatsu found himself angry at that comment, replaced with confusion when Karamatsu barked out a short laugh, avoiding eye contact with Chibita the whole time.

"Guess so, huh?"

He said it quietly enough that Totty unconsciously inched closer to hear better, accidentally rustling the bushes and drawing Chibita's attention.

Before the shorter man could call them out, Osomatsu covered, emerging from the bushes as though he hadn't been hiding.

"Oi, Chibita! You got five more customers! Load up some plates!"


	27. Leave Me In My Wounded Ground

Osomatsu was obviously hiding something. They all were, including Karaboy. I just didn't know what. Karamatsu seemed surprised to see his brothers here. He had already eaten, though not much, and he didn't even order any beer!

The rest of them all came to sit down on the bench, with Karamatsu on the far were talking amongst themselves, and to me it seemed like they were trying to make it look like they'd been having conversations rather than hiding in the bushes.

As usual, they all barely managed to fit on my bench. I should probably buy a new one soon, especially if they start actually paying like Karaboy did today. They never really complained though. Well, until today.

"There's not really really room for six, is there?"

All six of them froze at that. I watched four sets of eyes fix blank looks at Todomatsu, whose eyes just went wide, staring at nothing in front of him. What kind of reaction was that? What was wrong with what he said?

Karamatsu cleared his throat, calling all of our attention instantly. He stood up and took out his wallet, handing me enough to pay for all the rest of them, even though he'd already paid for himself. I took it, confused. Sure, it wasn't unusual for him to pay extra, he usually did when he came alone. He'd pay for his meal, then a bit more to help with their tab. But paying for six people in full without prompting?

Something was clearly wrong. I knew that as soon as he sat down and just asked for a plate of oden and handed me money right away, but the feeling of wrongness just grew as time went on.

"I'm actually done. I'll be at home. I'll have the futon set up," he said emotionlessly, and walked away.

Bafflingly, everyone called after him. They'd never done that before. They were all talking over each other, 'No, no, it's fine-' 'W- Come back!' 'There's still plenty of room!' 'I didn't, I didn't mean-' 'W-wait…'

If even Ichimatsu was calling out to him…

I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. They'd usually be happy to not only have more room on the bench, but also not have to deal with Karamatsu.

They often couldn't even care less about him. We all know I found that out the hard way.

Maybe this had something to do with the way he'd been acting tonight.

After realizing he wasn't coming back, they all turned back to the cart and ordered their food. No one asked for beer. There wasn't even any talking. Osomatsu looked frustrated. Choromatsu looked like a nervous wreck. Jyushimatsu was only barely smiling and his energy was at normal-person levels. Ichimatsu looked annoyed, and directed those glances to the person next to him: Todomatsu, who looked like he was going to cry.

They finished eating, thanked me in unison, and left.

As much as I wanted to say something, shake answers out of them… I got the feeling I wouldn't be able to help.

Whatever was going on, they have to work it out themselves.


End file.
